"i know, i saw, and now i may die"
Thursday, November 13th, 2025 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhello!!! despite the dramatic subject--which is just a lyric from a Breeders song--i think i am doing... okay? not perfect, but i think that is more on account of my general baseline mood being more bleh. i planned on complaining in this message (which i still may do) but i feel like i do need to lighten up a little. maybe i will just talk about my day?? how strange.
now i only have two classes a day after dropping Chinese. unfortunately i don't get to speak to people before/during that class, which is honestly a bit of a loss, but it's okay. i feel a lot more bohemian now, only having two classes a day... i should try to keep the trend up. tomorrow i will have to wake up at not-whenever-i-want to complete an assignment which i don't much care for because i feel like a very dramatic atheist over it. maybe i am one! it's not actually that bad. just something that has to be done. next week i am reading DELEUZE for my anth class which is exciting!!! maybe i'll do some extra reading to really dig in. i want to be ready as fuck for that class because i love Deleuze and want to... not *flex* it, but... really understand it!!! have thoughtful things to say!!!
more good news. went to the little on-campus doctor thing and got some free stuff and a tetanus + diphtheria + something else shot which is fun. now my arm is covered by a tremendously overkill bandage. it was a little embarrassing talking to the nurse about self-harm because she was very sweet and caring (and did not seem concerned about me after making it abundantly clear i was involved with the counseling center) but i also subconsciously wanted to scoff and "heh" and go "These aren't even that bad..." thankfully i didn't do this. my arm is very sore though.
fuck it!!! let's complain!!! i'm embracing being an elitist asshole for this post only. i think people with no ability to discern art should be, like... i don't know. brainwashed! i don't want to sound all soixante-huitard here but my roommate is this, like, entirely bourgeois whelk who seems to sit around belching (normally i think this is a silly word but i've actually been confronted with an individual who "belches" as opposed to "burps") and watching straight-to-consumer society television and movies. then, when he does go out, he obsessively takes pictures and videos of absolutely everything. when i say bourgeois, i'm not kidding! i really don't believe there is a hint of exaggeration in that statement. people ask if students can themselves *be* proletarian--as witnessed, they can certainly be bourgeois. i am slightly resentful over feeling pride over things like this, but i am a little proud of both being mentally ill and a little fagboy and *still* having a more social life than he does. okay, i am being a little rude at this point, but i try to never be rude to anybody which isn't even feasible when so many people deserve it slightly. also he's cooking food inside of the dorm. i should stop internalizing violence and externalize it instead, heart emoji.
last thing! i've realized how bad i am at describing my politics. i never really have to do it... and don't really *want* to do it... read a lot today and offhandedly said to a friend that "[they] know my politics"... do they??? i mean, i hope they do, but they certainly don't know it, like, point by point. this isn't the goal--the goal is to be able to visualize where i stand on things, because things seem to get lost in my brain moreee and more. i am going to try and collect every idea i have into a big note document that is categorized and has quotes and little dropdowns and fancy things like that. so when i SAY "you know my politics" i can fulfill the prerequisite of knowing my own politics. this will of course need to be more detailed than "i like leftism" if i actually want to make something of any personal value, so unfortunately, i will make myself wade into the weeds of needless ideological debate and demarcate my position on every relevant point of contention. fun!
okay now i should *really* be done. lots of exclamation points in this message i'm realizing. i'm very tired and have been for hours but haven't done anything about it... i must, now. blehhhh. i am all emotional now randomly. not in a bad way, honestly! not "emo", but... emotional! it's a more earnest feeling, i guess. bleh. not *bad*, but also not pleasant. OKAY i said i'd start lightening up and i immediately returned to sounding like a wet cat. bleh. it really is bleh. i don't like that the mood on dreamwidth is "blah"... i'm *bleh*! hopefully tomorrow i will be slightly more chill because today i feel slightly socially awkward... it feels like it's been years since i've genuinely felt autistically awkward!!! i don't know. people are not making it easy qwq. OK. this is my longest message in a while partially because i am being quite autistic in it. i will hush now and (think about) sleep. goodnight for meow dear reader :)
now i only have two classes a day after dropping Chinese. unfortunately i don't get to speak to people before/during that class, which is honestly a bit of a loss, but it's okay. i feel a lot more bohemian now, only having two classes a day... i should try to keep the trend up. tomorrow i will have to wake up at not-whenever-i-want to complete an assignment which i don't much care for because i feel like a very dramatic atheist over it. maybe i am one! it's not actually that bad. just something that has to be done. next week i am reading DELEUZE for my anth class which is exciting!!! maybe i'll do some extra reading to really dig in. i want to be ready as fuck for that class because i love Deleuze and want to... not *flex* it, but... really understand it!!! have thoughtful things to say!!!
more good news. went to the little on-campus doctor thing and got some free stuff and a tetanus + diphtheria + something else shot which is fun. now my arm is covered by a tremendously overkill bandage. it was a little embarrassing talking to the nurse about self-harm because she was very sweet and caring (and did not seem concerned about me after making it abundantly clear i was involved with the counseling center) but i also subconsciously wanted to scoff and "heh" and go "These aren't even that bad..." thankfully i didn't do this. my arm is very sore though.
fuck it!!! let's complain!!! i'm embracing being an elitist asshole for this post only. i think people with no ability to discern art should be, like... i don't know. brainwashed! i don't want to sound all soixante-huitard here but my roommate is this, like, entirely bourgeois whelk who seems to sit around belching (normally i think this is a silly word but i've actually been confronted with an individual who "belches" as opposed to "burps") and watching straight-to-consumer society television and movies. then, when he does go out, he obsessively takes pictures and videos of absolutely everything. when i say bourgeois, i'm not kidding! i really don't believe there is a hint of exaggeration in that statement. people ask if students can themselves *be* proletarian--as witnessed, they can certainly be bourgeois. i am slightly resentful over feeling pride over things like this, but i am a little proud of both being mentally ill and a little fagboy and *still* having a more social life than he does. okay, i am being a little rude at this point, but i try to never be rude to anybody which isn't even feasible when so many people deserve it slightly. also he's cooking food inside of the dorm. i should stop internalizing violence and externalize it instead, heart emoji.
last thing! i've realized how bad i am at describing my politics. i never really have to do it... and don't really *want* to do it... read a lot today and offhandedly said to a friend that "[they] know my politics"... do they??? i mean, i hope they do, but they certainly don't know it, like, point by point. this isn't the goal--the goal is to be able to visualize where i stand on things, because things seem to get lost in my brain moreee and more. i am going to try and collect every idea i have into a big note document that is categorized and has quotes and little dropdowns and fancy things like that. so when i SAY "you know my politics" i can fulfill the prerequisite of knowing my own politics. this will of course need to be more detailed than "i like leftism" if i actually want to make something of any personal value, so unfortunately, i will make myself wade into the weeds of needless ideological debate and demarcate my position on every relevant point of contention. fun!
okay now i should *really* be done. lots of exclamation points in this message i'm realizing. i'm very tired and have been for hours but haven't done anything about it... i must, now. blehhhh. i am all emotional now randomly. not in a bad way, honestly! not "emo", but... emotional! it's a more earnest feeling, i guess. bleh. not *bad*, but also not pleasant. OKAY i said i'd start lightening up and i immediately returned to sounding like a wet cat. bleh. it really is bleh. i don't like that the mood on dreamwidth is "blah"... i'm *bleh*! hopefully tomorrow i will be slightly more chill because today i feel slightly socially awkward... it feels like it's been years since i've genuinely felt autistically awkward!!! i don't know. people are not making it easy qwq. OK. this is my longest message in a while partially because i am being quite autistic in it. i will hush now and (think about) sleep. goodnight for meow dear reader :)
