il faut porter en soi un chaos pour pouvoir mettre au monde une étoile dansante

hellohello another post today. this is basically twitter to me now. i thought of a funny joke a few hours ago but entirely forget it by now. checked out THREE books from the library... forgetting i cannot focus on anything when i do not eat or drink. well, i did eat today. a little. nothing very good though. i got through the foreword + introduction to the Lyotard reader and then got to Lyotard's actual writing and kinda got btfo'd. i have two more books of his, sob. i want to try to read them anyways. i have a final due in a few days (which, thankfully, *nobody* has started) and i honestly don't see this as distracting me because there is a very high chance i will loop in Lyotard and probably Lacan too because i was reading about the object petit a and i find it very interesting. i don't know how, though, yet. it can essentially be a paper on anything as long as we tie in some stuff. i did my last project on Deleuze and thought it went okay (although i scuppered the verbalization of one good point) but it feels a little silly to use Deleuze again... maybe i will bring in Weheliye too because he has a little crossover with Deleuze and then it's not just me talking about white frenchies the whole time. i don't think it's "too woke" to admit that only writing/talking about white french men in this class, which spends lots of time going over very different writers/theoreticians, is a bit of a fault on my part if i actually do that. i could steal some ideas from a community college paper and bring in SPK and illness as metaphor (literally just ripping off that old paper... it was a fucking good idea for a paper wasted on a bad class!) and make it an anti-psych thing. sorry, i am getting lots of texts for some reason. did another plane hit?

okay, we're back. i was going to bring something else up but i forgot. oh, yes! i feel like my mood has been a little topsy turvy. for the past... day or two? i haven't been as horribly suicidal and depressed. actually kinda okay! but veryyy, like... i feel a little hyperactive while also doing nothing. just sorta... i don't know. i feel weird! very anxious. thoughts come and go very quickly. somewhat lofty in my thoughts, i guess? committing very thoroughly to extremely inconsequential activities, yet unable to focus on most things. very easy to stare off into space and do nothing. it's weird! you see why i want to talk to my therapist about a lot tomorrow. i don't mean that in like... i mean, i feel like i have to talk a little about the suicidality, because it does feel like a big deal and i would ENJOY talking about it. but i do feel like it puts me at risk. some things i would rather just not talk about (razorblades, hanging, smoking, etc) and some things i would (mood swings, eating/non-eating, general apathy towards things, etc). there are quite a few things more than that which i might bring up. "i don't really want to do meds i think. this is because i don't want to do psychiatry. i feel unmotivated to find a therapist. insurance is annoying. i painted my nails holds nails up to camera. interpersonal relationships are frightening. i've been downloading music still. my friends are very nice to me. even though i disagree with this one--isn't he being silly? i want to kill myself!" not that last part. i feel like a lot of those things i could just use you, dear reader, for, but i don't know! been thinking a lot about how fun it would be to be an insurrectionary terrorist lately. i don't even care about "adventurism" or "common sense" or "being unable to do anything insurrectionary". so many biotech companies, so little time...

i've been listening to Cherry Peel by of montreal a bit lately and oh, god. that is indicative of something horrible. if you don't know... maybe i'll give some explanation for fun because i'm in a good mood. when i was younger i listened to, like, a few of montreal songs because they're semi-popular in artsy circles and i was never in those circles because they didn't exist when i was young. well, they existed, but not where i existed. anyways. i was never big on them until i listened to Cherry Peel and then i listened to it over and over and it is, to this day, really the only music covering anything remotely, like... human that i will listen to and enjoy?? i don't want to sound like an alien here... i just don't much care for love songs or songs about people's personal lives or anything! they never do it for me. i just don't like music where it feels like the musician is just talking about themselves and how annoying this situation is or how hard this or that is (cough, cough, car seat headrest). Cherry Peel is just so good. it's also some of the only expressly "gay" music i listen to which i find notable because i don't really incorporate any "gay culture" things into my lifestyle at all, really, unless you count appearing "queer" in any capacity to be participating in gay culture. but Cherry Peel has healthy amounts of slightly angsty homosexuality residing within. Kevin Barnes is really a poet on this album and i don't know if other music by of montreal is as poetic as Cherry Peel is... i almost don't want to look because i am so content with just this. i lovelovelove it. i feel like i'm doing a bad job explaining... it's just. ugh. the prettiest little songs. they remind me of ballerina boxes! every song is just. such a beautiful little piece of poetry set to a beautiful little piece of music. it's some of the only music i can genuinely say is, like... is just *good*. i can't coat it in the veneer of "well, this is bad but i like it" or "this is weird music but it's good" which i so often and so pathetically use on good music which i'm afraid of liking. Cherry Peel is like... Kevin Barnes gave me this piece of their soul set to music and i won't disrespect it by being ashamed of loving it!

"Many of the songs, including "Don't Ask Me to Explain" and "Montreal", are about Barnes' pen pal from Montreal, Julie, after whom the band is named. Barnes drove to Montreal to see her in person, but it ended poorly. The experience devastated Kevin and became the lyrical inspiration behind the bulk of early of Montreal material." - cute.

"The vocals of songwriter Kevin Barnes are achingly heartfelt and puppyish ..." - awruff!


okay, i'm doing a bit much here. my wrists hurt. blehghghhhfhfhfhdhhfjdfhfghdjlkaHDSkwjdkashdakjw. blehrhlg.hhhjhgg. cough. ghghhjfjfgjg. i'm falling off a cliff, here. i need water. GLKGJJbkhjglgjlgkgfkjgg i want to do this all day i don't want to speak any more jgbmgnmgbmnbkjfddnb. blehhrhfhfhhh. mrowwwmrf,fjgjgkjgkgfm. njgfgfkdsfesadwhjdjwadjsfjkdf.gfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffdnnnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn. blehh. bleh. idk what happened here. b;ehhhhlhhhhf,,,,,,,, bleh. now i feel bad :( not about anything in particular. goodnight for meow <:( <- nobody came to his birthday party

hello!!! despite the dramatic subject--which is just a lyric from a Breeders song--i think i am doing... okay? not perfect, but i think that is more on account of my general baseline mood being more bleh. i planned on complaining in this message (which i still may do) but i feel like i do need to lighten up a little. maybe i will just talk about my day?? how strange.

now i only have two classes a day after dropping Chinese. unfortunately i don't get to speak to people before/during that class, which is honestly a bit of a loss, but it's okay. i feel a lot more bohemian now, only having two classes a day... i should try to keep the trend up. tomorrow i will have to wake up at not-whenever-i-want to complete an assignment which i don't much care for because i feel like a very dramatic atheist over it. maybe i am one! it's not actually that bad. just something that has to be done. next week i am reading DELEUZE for my anth class which is exciting!!! maybe i'll do some extra reading to really dig in. i want to be ready as fuck for that class because i love Deleuze and want to... not *flex* it, but... really understand it!!! have thoughtful things to say!!!

more good news. went to the little on-campus doctor thing and got some free stuff and a tetanus + diphtheria + something else shot which is fun. now my arm is covered by a tremendously overkill bandage. it was a little embarrassing talking to the nurse about self-harm because she was very sweet and caring (and did not seem concerned about me after making it abundantly clear i was involved with the counseling center) but i also subconsciously wanted to scoff and "heh" and go "These aren't even that bad..." thankfully i didn't do this. my arm is very sore though.

fuck it!!! let's complain!!! i'm embracing being an elitist asshole for this post only. i think people with no ability to discern art should be, like... i don't know. brainwashed! i don't want to sound all soixante-huitard here but my roommate is this, like, entirely bourgeois whelk who seems to sit around belching (normally i think this is a silly word but i've actually been confronted with an individual who "belches" as opposed to "burps") and watching straight-to-consumer society television and movies. then, when he does go out, he obsessively takes pictures and videos of absolutely everything. when i say bourgeois, i'm not kidding! i really don't believe there is a hint of exaggeration in that statement. people ask if students can themselves *be* proletarian--as witnessed, they can certainly be bourgeois. i am slightly resentful over feeling pride over things like this, but i am a little proud of both being mentally ill and a little fagboy and *still* having a more social life than he does. okay, i am being a little rude at this point, but i try to never be rude to anybody which isn't even feasible when so many people deserve it slightly. also he's cooking food inside of the dorm. i should stop internalizing violence and externalize it instead, heart emoji.

last thing! i've realized how bad i am at describing my politics. i never really have to do it... and don't really *want* to do it... read a lot today and offhandedly said to a friend that "[they] know my politics"... do they??? i mean, i hope they do, but they certainly don't know it, like, point by point. this isn't the goal--the goal is to be able to visualize where i stand on things, because things seem to get lost in my brain moreee and more. i am going to try and collect every idea i have into a big note document that is categorized and has quotes and little dropdowns and fancy things like that. so when i SAY "you know my politics" i can fulfill the prerequisite of knowing my own politics. this will of course need to be more detailed than "i like leftism" if i actually want to make something of any personal value, so unfortunately, i will make myself wade into the weeds of needless ideological debate and demarcate my position on every relevant point of contention. fun!

okay now i should *really* be done. lots of exclamation points in this message i'm realizing. i'm very tired and have been for hours but haven't done anything about it... i must, now. blehhhh. i am all emotional now randomly. not in a bad way, honestly! not "emo", but... emotional! it's a more earnest feeling, i guess. bleh. not *bad*, but also not pleasant. OKAY i said i'd start lightening up and i immediately returned to sounding like a wet cat. bleh. it really is bleh. i don't like that the mood on dreamwidth is "blah"... i'm *bleh*! hopefully tomorrow i will be slightly more chill because today i feel slightly socially awkward... it feels like it's been years since i've genuinely felt autistically awkward!!! i don't know. people are not making it easy qwq. OK. this is my longest message in a while partially because i am being quite autistic in it. i will hush now and (think about) sleep. goodnight for meow dear reader :)

i remember when i thought The Monochrome Set were the best band in the world. on re-listening... they're still pretty fun :) the best? surely not. but pretty fun. very tired. kinda... bleh... i'm not sure how i feel. i am glad i purchased some new things for myself but i can't get too excited lest i spend more money.

i am listening to music because my roommate seems to listen to music designed to bother me. look: i try very hard to *not* fall into the trap that is so easy to fall into. it is very alluring to vehemently hate pop music because there's hardly any good examples of it, but i will readily admit you *are* a bit of a dick for doing that even if on some base level i agree. i can't do all this posturing when my roommate was unironically listening to "love yourself" by justin bieber. i won't get on the biebs hate train as we all should know by now that was just a way for teen boys on the internet to get back at pre-teen girls for existing--but surely i am allowed to admit this is music that kills your brain? i do feel angsty for saying it but it's true. i really do think top 10 radio hits are terrorist devices.

i should be working but i did so much work today. 魏老师 always looks at me so tenderly and is like... 达思... your homework... i've already done a lot of it. i still have a lot left to do. but it's fine. It is all fine serene person with halo emoji. i finished my midterm and i don't really know who to talk to about it because i don't yet know any other philosophy people. even in the one class i'm taking, since they're all upperclassmen or grad students or something. hopefully next semester i will meet more philosophy people... i don't really want to take another intro class, but it wouldn't even be a bad idea since the last one i took was barely a class. i did love that guy though. i should send the professor of that class an email some time. anyways! the gist of it is that i tried connecting hegel + fichte to wittgenstein. i think it'll go over... okay! not a perfect (or even good) essay by many metrics but i think i came up with a novel idea that probably nobody else in the class did so hopefully i at LEAST get props for that. i need to meet continental people... i cannot do analytic.

okay. i don't really know what to do. i have felt veryyy weird for the past few days. simultaneously so tired and so hyperactive. it just flipflops all the time and i don't like it!!! anyways anyways. i have some things to look forward to coming in the mail which is always fun, so hopefully i will be a littleee grounded for the next few days as i wait for them. it is going to be so cold now--i'm glad i got gloves, but i fear i need a new jacket... i don't know what a cute jacket even consists of!!! sweaters are too gay--i wear them sparingly. i like jackets but i feel like the ones i currently own are too slacker-adjacent, and i am (mostly) out of that brief period of my life. we'll see what i do. i need to relax... i feel a little wound up for no reason, sob. i mean qwq. goodnight for meow everyone :)

okay, wait, i never cut myself off but i will briefly. short paragraph i promise!!! i feel like i should be barking instead of meowing. i like meows... they feel a little more demure. a bark is very loud and like in your face and i am not like that. but i also think i am a barker? but the noises i would be making would not be barks. like when a dog barks i think i feel the same way it does but i wouldn't be barking i'd be doing something else. does this make sense? okay. goodnight for meow ... ... ... did you expect me to type out a bark? of course i wouldn't do that. bye dear reader

HELLO abrupt and sudden greeting! i both want this to be long and short because if it's short i leave out things that i should probably bring up but if it's long i'll say much that i shouldn't say. so we'll try to find a happy medium. with the minimum amount of complaining!!

the good:
1. everybody i know seemingly wants to talk to me. i do not know why this is happening. the fates do contrive to make people speak with me.
2. i have been hanging out with more people and doing more things and going out and such.
3. i bought a halloween costume outfit thing which is nominally solely for a halloween costume but i love it & cannot stop wearing it. my halloween costume is, admittedly, a shit concept, but it's fun. i'm not disclosing it because i haven't even really decided WHAT exactly it is. i know i'm doing the thing i always do where i, like... just wear clothes for halloween... but who cares. not me! (i care.) i have to not wear any of the things i bought for a week because it's meanttt to be for halloween and it's kinda silly to wear it before then. one day i'll pick something fun that is not just comprised of clothes!
4. oh i forgot to note this. part of the cohort who have randomly been talking with me have been, like, old boyfriends and a girlfriend? which is very weird and not entirely welcome??? not necessarily unwelcome. i guess it's good??? i don't know how to feel about it. i am absolutely not aromantic but thinking about this sort of thing makes me feel a little bit like one.
5. on the internet/phone/stuff less which i like. now i just have to read more.
6. been speaking to a veryyy good friend a little more and talked to her about, like, more serious personal stuff which we don't often do even though we're very good friends. she was predictably nice and cool and amazing about it. this was never really in doubt, but i will never complain about being reminded that i have v nice friends :)

the bad:
1. i still feel slightly hopelessly emo... it will improve!!! but it has not yet. i don't think it's gotten worse (on second thought it is getting a little worse but it's not too dire in me-land yet.) but i am definitely in a depressive period which i haven't seriously had in a while. paired with the fact that this is a very bad time to get one, i really don't know what i'll do about it.
2. I WANT TO KILL MY ROOMMATE. i think this is because my blood sugar is low and because i'm already in a bad mood. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. <- Joke! :D
3. i have a teeny tiny cold which is annoying. something's going around, i know like four or five people who also have a cold! it's not actually that bad. just a little... bleh...
4. i have not been eating as much as i should probably. i want to be better but it's very difficult. i can tell it's starting to affect me more now which is nawwwwtttt the best feeling but it's okay i will do better.
5. i'm doing therapy again on friiiiday which is so far away. i don't really want to wait that long but i sorta have to. it's okay. i just don't want to wait very long :(
6: i have lots of work to do which i feel utterly incapable of doing. i will have to find a way to get it done, but my fear is i will upset some other part of my life by dedicating energy towards working. it shouldn't be difficult, but i feel it will be.

anyways! this was slightly long. i wish i could ramble about something funnn because i have done some fun things in the past few days but blehhhh not in the mood :p i don't have much to add really besides the bullets!!! i won't let myself complain any longer unless i add nice things too. okokok. abrupt and sudden departure. goodbye for meow, dear reader. :)

posting in class very quietly. sometimes in this class i'm like... i need to just say everything that comes to mind. because i am always right. i should read more of this sort of thing, though... it's intimidating but it actually makes sense. i will probably not read Agamben for fun, but i'll figure out something else difficult and wordy to read.

also, i've resolved myself to using linebreaks because all of my posts are unreadable otherwise. it's a poor time to start doing this because all my posts'll be too short to justify paragraphs now... but that's okay!!! meow meow meow. i brought my little fox guy with me today and i actually like having him around. i have been considering throwing out anything bladed but i actually just need more little fox guys. this is a joke. i have a meeting later today which is a good thing. i like excuses to hang out with a lot of people. also it's somewhat late in the day so it sorta prevents me from getting too angsty later in the day, if that makes sense?? anyways i think my face is breaking out. someone just brought up the lord/bondsman dialectic that's fun!! i may actually ask them if they like Hegel after class, lol. anyways, my face. i'm taking everything bladed out of the trash <- joke.

this class feels way too dem-soc-y and i'm often not a fan. at most it's a feeder organization for the PSL. i still like the readings :) i think we're doing Guattari later lol unless i misread? fuck, i should read more. maybe i will try Lyotard again. or Dauve or something. anyways we are approaching rambling territory. Debord! i should read Debord (i just remembered that Agamben namedropped Debord). rambling territory is already being entered, aaa! i'll hush for now because class is just about to end. goodbye for now dear reader. I SHOULD READ WILHELM REICH... mass psychology of fascism pdf get ready bc i'm going to EAT yr ASS. goodbye for meow dear reader

hellooo good morning dear reader. i have ~3 hours to burn and i should be studying during all of them... but ofc that won't happen :p veryveryvery tired. i feel like i haven't been to class in, like, years. at least i will see people i know again and stuff. i don't think it'll be thattt cold? so that's good. i think my multiple posts a day thing is going to fall apart as i start doing nothing but class every day qwq. that's okay :) i could certainly talk about more interesting things in these posts that aren't simply the facts of my daily operations but i guess i haven't thought about what to dredge up and ramble about yet. weird mood today!!! one of those moods i often get where i am veryyy nervous for no good reason over something i have done a million times. also i finished that presentation last nighttt i think it's... okayyy? i couldn't really include any of the extra things i wanted to include but it's done. i don't think i'll get an amazing grade but i don't think i'll get a bad one either. i think i had one or two "good lines" and the rest was sorta just... doing the assignment. i guess i didn't know how far i was allowed to stray from the prompt? my "good lines" were mostly just talking about things *i* find interesting like the unconscious and stuff. it also ended very abruptly because my phone was about to die so i had to record a closer ex post facto which was a little bleh but it's okay. i will turn it in today. i have run out of key lime yogurt which is v sad because i have grown to liking it. my back hurts so bad right now it's insane. okay. i have threeee hours to study and relax and stuff so i will try to do that before class. i can't believe my first class is at 11. i am so privileged. oh i have anthropology again today?? okay!! i like that class more than philosophy anyways even though i dooo have to read :p oh i also have a midterm for history today qwq it's open response i think which is like. my thing. so i'll be okay as long as i like skim the textbook a few times. i think i can bring notes? i don't even know if i will... is that presumptuous of me??? i am bad at remembering dates/years so i will maybe just write down important years/dynasty time spans and stuff like that. okayokayokay goodbye for meow :3

helloooo hihihi late good morning :) i did wake up late but not thisss late. went out and got mail which is yay! this will be a little short bc i am going to start working immediately after this. i am also currently like consoling somebody soooo idk i will have to balance these two things somehow. also instead of saying "sob emoji" maybe i will start going qwq. anyways now i have a bullet bracelet on which was very hard to make work and i stored the excess ones in an Advil box because i think it's easier to explain a band of them rather than three loose fake bullets qwq. okay maybe that will work... not the exact same vibe but who gaf. i also have goldfish now! brain food or something. anyways. this feels veryyy short but i need to strike while the iron is hot and stuff. okokok. goodbye for now :DD

helloooo good morninggg i have been up for a little bit but i have been too tired to write anything. i got up and brushed my teeth and my roommate is going out to the city again which means i will have the place to myself for a while hooray! i will do nothing with this and instead do everything i normally do but quieter. ough my " stummy" hurts randomly. anyways i slept so soundly!! probably not enough. but after like having such a warm shower i just passed out so quickly my hair didn't have time to dry and now it's like... very weird and gay looking. anyways. yesterday was so weird i remember like when i got into the creepy dark empty building i went into one of the rooms and turned the lights on and there was a random YA book there. so i locked the door and finished the YA book and i think there was like an analogy about mother/daughterhood in there but i am not a mother nor daughter so it probably went over my head. it felt like it was meant to be there though. i couldn't have been on my phone because it would have died. so i just sat there and read this YA book in one sitting. also when i was walking back to my dorm a bunny ran in front of me :) well, walking back to my dorm the first time. is it obvious what i did yesterday? walked to theater > walked to dorm > turned around in front of dorm and walked to creepy dark empty building > walked back to dorm > end. i am glad i didn't sleep in the theater because i needed like ... "self care". also the yogurt is key lime pie which i got at someone else's suggestion and it actually wasn't bad. i am kinda just saying this to see how it sounds, i don't know if i believe it: i think half the time calling something "too sweet" is a made up complaint. i'm not sure if i agree with that sentiment or not yet but there may be a kernel of truth in there. because at first i had a spoonful of yogurt and thought it was too sweet... but i literally don't care. i like sweet things. it was yummy. idk! i don't like very sweet things but maybe i am just making made up complaints. the protein bar things are peanut butter and dark chocolate which makes me feel 100% like a dead dog. they're actually kinda yum though. i only bought a box of 10 because they, like, have a cost to them, but i might actually finish them somewhat quickly. oughhh i want my mail. goldfish... i also had chips and salsa yesterday. good!!! hard to really eat without all the comforts of home (i miss having little ramekins). also there is no dish soap in the kitchen, making washing things very annoying, and if i end up buying it i'm not leaving it down there. it's going to be myyy personal dish soap. i feel like an evil person for that a little. but i'm still doing it. i didn't really have a meal yesterday, just little snacks, but it's better than nothing i think :) i ate when i was hungry and that's good. i'm still very tired. i really do need to work today. i should start that after i finish this but i don't want to. maybe i will work on the script/notes for my presentation and figure out how i'll record it. it is hard to think about presenting it & recording it because i want to kill myself (hashtag joke) and i do not want to go outside today or speak at all so that throws a wrench in that whole thing. anyways i should wrap this uppp probably. ummm bweh why do i forget how to finish these? i feel like i've been reset. putting "depressed" as my mood on here feels analogous to making black and white self harm pictures the cover of a spotify playlist (i knew someone that did this!). okay. maybe i will have a little treat and lay down and figure out what to do for now. thank u for reading chat sorry i mean dear reader goodbye for now :)