i <3 swallowing shit (lyotard reference)
Thursday, December 4th, 2025 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhellohello another post today. this is basically twitter to me now. i thought of a funny joke a few hours ago but entirely forget it by now. checked out THREE books from the library... forgetting i cannot focus on anything when i do not eat or drink. well, i did eat today. a little. nothing very good though. i got through the foreword + introduction to the Lyotard reader and then got to Lyotard's actual writing and kinda got btfo'd. i have two more books of his, sob. i want to try to read them anyways. i have a final due in a few days (which, thankfully, *nobody* has started) and i honestly don't see this as distracting me because there is a very high chance i will loop in Lyotard and probably Lacan too because i was reading about the object petit a and i find it very interesting. i don't know how, though, yet. it can essentially be a paper on anything as long as we tie in some stuff. i did my last project on Deleuze and thought it went okay (although i scuppered the verbalization of one good point) but it feels a little silly to use Deleuze again... maybe i will bring in Weheliye too because he has a little crossover with Deleuze and then it's not just me talking about white frenchies the whole time. i don't think it's "too woke" to admit that only writing/talking about white french men in this class, which spends lots of time going over very different writers/theoreticians, is a bit of a fault on my part if i actually do that. i could steal some ideas from a community college paper and bring in SPK and illness as metaphor (literally just ripping off that old paper... it was a fucking good idea for a paper wasted on a bad class!) and make it an anti-psych thing. sorry, i am getting lots of texts for some reason. did another plane hit?
okay, we're back. i was going to bring something else up but i forgot. oh, yes! i feel like my mood has been a little topsy turvy. for the past... day or two? i haven't been as horribly suicidal and depressed. actually kinda okay! but veryyy, like... i feel a little hyperactive while also doing nothing. just sorta... i don't know. i feel weird! very anxious. thoughts come and go very quickly. somewhat lofty in my thoughts, i guess? committing very thoroughly to extremely inconsequential activities, yet unable to focus on most things. very easy to stare off into space and do nothing. it's weird! you see why i want to talk to my therapist about a lot tomorrow. i don't mean that in like... i mean, i feel like i have to talk a little about the suicidality, because it does feel like a big deal and i would ENJOY talking about it. but i do feel like it puts me at risk. some things i would rather just not talk about (razorblades, hanging, smoking, etc) and some things i would (mood swings, eating/non-eating, general apathy towards things, etc). there are quite a few things more than that which i might bring up. "i don't really want to do meds i think. this is because i don't want to do psychiatry. i feel unmotivated to find a therapist. insurance is annoying. i painted my nails holds nails up to camera. interpersonal relationships are frightening. i've been downloading music still. my friends are very nice to me. even though i disagree with this one--isn't he being silly? i want to kill myself!" not that last part. i feel like a lot of those things i could just use you, dear reader, for, but i don't know! been thinking a lot about how fun it would be to be an insurrectionary terrorist lately. i don't even care about "adventurism" or "common sense" or "being unable to do anything insurrectionary". so many biotech companies, so little time...
i've been listening to Cherry Peel by of montreal a bit lately and oh, god. that is indicative of something horrible. if you don't know... maybe i'll give some explanation for fun because i'm in a good mood. when i was younger i listened to, like, a few of montreal songs because they're semi-popular in artsy circles and i was never in those circles because they didn't exist when i was young. well, they existed, but not where i existed. anyways. i was never big on them until i listened to Cherry Peel and then i listened to it over and over and it is, to this day, really the only music covering anything remotely, like... human that i will listen to and enjoy?? i don't want to sound like an alien here... i just don't much care for love songs or songs about people's personal lives or anything! they never do it for me. i just don't like music where it feels like the musician is just talking about themselves and how annoying this situation is or how hard this or that is (cough, cough, car seat headrest). Cherry Peel is just so good. it's also some of the only expressly "gay" music i listen to which i find notable because i don't really incorporate any "gay culture" things into my lifestyle at all, really, unless you count appearing "queer" in any capacity to be participating in gay culture. but Cherry Peel has healthy amounts of slightly angsty homosexuality residing within. Kevin Barnes is really a poet on this album and i don't know if other music by of montreal is as poetic as Cherry Peel is... i almost don't want to look because i am so content with just this. i lovelovelove it. i feel like i'm doing a bad job explaining... it's just. ugh. the prettiest little songs. they remind me of ballerina boxes! every song is just. such a beautiful little piece of poetry set to a beautiful little piece of music. it's some of the only music i can genuinely say is, like... is just *good*. i can't coat it in the veneer of "well, this is bad but i like it" or "this is weird music but it's good" which i so often and so pathetically use on good music which i'm afraid of liking. Cherry Peel is like... Kevin Barnes gave me this piece of their soul set to music and i won't disrespect it by being ashamed of loving it!
"Many of the songs, including "Don't Ask Me to Explain" and "Montreal", are about Barnes' pen pal from Montreal, Julie, after whom the band is named. Barnes drove to Montreal to see her in person, but it ended poorly. The experience devastated Kevin and became the lyrical inspiration behind the bulk of early of Montreal material." - cute.
"The vocals of songwriter Kevin Barnes are achingly heartfelt and puppyish ..." - awruff!
okay, i'm doing a bit much here. my wrists hurt. blehghghhhfhfhfhdhhfjdfhfghdjlkaHDSkwjdkashdakjw. blehrhlg.hhhjhgg. cough. ghghhjfjfgjg. i'm falling off a cliff, here. i need water. GLKGJJbkhjglgjlgkgfkjgg i want to do this all day i don't want to speak any more jgbmgnmgbmnbkjfddnb. blehhrhfhfhhh. mrowwwmrf,fjgjgkjgkgfm. njgfgfkdsfesadwhjdjwadjsfjkdf.gfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffdnnnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn. blehh. bleh. idk what happened here. b;ehhhhlhhhhf,,,,,,,, bleh. now i feel bad :( not about anything in particular. goodnight for meow <:( <- nobody came to his birthday party
okay, we're back. i was going to bring something else up but i forgot. oh, yes! i feel like my mood has been a little topsy turvy. for the past... day or two? i haven't been as horribly suicidal and depressed. actually kinda okay! but veryyy, like... i feel a little hyperactive while also doing nothing. just sorta... i don't know. i feel weird! very anxious. thoughts come and go very quickly. somewhat lofty in my thoughts, i guess? committing very thoroughly to extremely inconsequential activities, yet unable to focus on most things. very easy to stare off into space and do nothing. it's weird! you see why i want to talk to my therapist about a lot tomorrow. i don't mean that in like... i mean, i feel like i have to talk a little about the suicidality, because it does feel like a big deal and i would ENJOY talking about it. but i do feel like it puts me at risk. some things i would rather just not talk about (razorblades, hanging, smoking, etc) and some things i would (mood swings, eating/non-eating, general apathy towards things, etc). there are quite a few things more than that which i might bring up. "i don't really want to do meds i think. this is because i don't want to do psychiatry. i feel unmotivated to find a therapist. insurance is annoying. i painted my nails holds nails up to camera. interpersonal relationships are frightening. i've been downloading music still. my friends are very nice to me. even though i disagree with this one--isn't he being silly? i want to kill myself!" not that last part. i feel like a lot of those things i could just use you, dear reader, for, but i don't know! been thinking a lot about how fun it would be to be an insurrectionary terrorist lately. i don't even care about "adventurism" or "common sense" or "being unable to do anything insurrectionary". so many biotech companies, so little time...
i've been listening to Cherry Peel by of montreal a bit lately and oh, god. that is indicative of something horrible. if you don't know... maybe i'll give some explanation for fun because i'm in a good mood. when i was younger i listened to, like, a few of montreal songs because they're semi-popular in artsy circles and i was never in those circles because they didn't exist when i was young. well, they existed, but not where i existed. anyways. i was never big on them until i listened to Cherry Peel and then i listened to it over and over and it is, to this day, really the only music covering anything remotely, like... human that i will listen to and enjoy?? i don't want to sound like an alien here... i just don't much care for love songs or songs about people's personal lives or anything! they never do it for me. i just don't like music where it feels like the musician is just talking about themselves and how annoying this situation is or how hard this or that is (cough, cough, car seat headrest). Cherry Peel is just so good. it's also some of the only expressly "gay" music i listen to which i find notable because i don't really incorporate any "gay culture" things into my lifestyle at all, really, unless you count appearing "queer" in any capacity to be participating in gay culture. but Cherry Peel has healthy amounts of slightly angsty homosexuality residing within. Kevin Barnes is really a poet on this album and i don't know if other music by of montreal is as poetic as Cherry Peel is... i almost don't want to look because i am so content with just this. i lovelovelove it. i feel like i'm doing a bad job explaining... it's just. ugh. the prettiest little songs. they remind me of ballerina boxes! every song is just. such a beautiful little piece of poetry set to a beautiful little piece of music. it's some of the only music i can genuinely say is, like... is just *good*. i can't coat it in the veneer of "well, this is bad but i like it" or "this is weird music but it's good" which i so often and so pathetically use on good music which i'm afraid of liking. Cherry Peel is like... Kevin Barnes gave me this piece of their soul set to music and i won't disrespect it by being ashamed of loving it!
"Many of the songs, including "Don't Ask Me to Explain" and "Montreal", are about Barnes' pen pal from Montreal, Julie, after whom the band is named. Barnes drove to Montreal to see her in person, but it ended poorly. The experience devastated Kevin and became the lyrical inspiration behind the bulk of early of Montreal material." - cute.
"The vocals of songwriter Kevin Barnes are achingly heartfelt and puppyish ..." - awruff!
okay, i'm doing a bit much here. my wrists hurt. blehghghhhfhfhfhdhhfjdfhfghdjlkaHDSkwjdkashdakjw. blehrhlg.hhhjhgg. cough. ghghhjfjfgjg. i'm falling off a cliff, here. i need water. GLKGJJbkhjglgjlgkgfkjgg i want to do this all day i don't want to speak any more jgbmgnmgbmnbkjfddnb. blehhrhfhfhhh. mrowwwmrf,fjgjgkjgkgfm. njgfgfkdsfesadwhjdjwadjsfjkdf.gfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffdnnnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn. blehh. bleh. idk what happened here. b;ehhhhlhhhhf,,,,,,,, bleh. now i feel bad :( not about anything in particular. goodnight for meow <:( <- nobody came to his birthday party
