enterthemirror | Entries tagged with food

HELLO abrupt and sudden greeting! i both want this to be long and short because if it's short i leave out things that i should probably bring up but if it's long i'll say much that i shouldn't say. so we'll try to find a happy medium. with the minimum amount of complaining!!

the good:
1. everybody i know seemingly wants to talk to me. i do not know why this is happening. the fates do contrive to make people speak with me.
2. i have been hanging out with more people and doing more things and going out and such.
3. i bought a halloween costume outfit thing which is nominally solely for a halloween costume but i love it & cannot stop wearing it. my halloween costume is, admittedly, a shit concept, but it's fun. i'm not disclosing it because i haven't even really decided WHAT exactly it is. i know i'm doing the thing i always do where i, like... just wear clothes for halloween... but who cares. not me! (i care.) i have to not wear any of the things i bought for a week because it's meanttt to be for halloween and it's kinda silly to wear it before then. one day i'll pick something fun that is not just comprised of clothes!
4. oh i forgot to note this. part of the cohort who have randomly been talking with me have been, like, old boyfriends and a girlfriend? which is very weird and not entirely welcome??? not necessarily unwelcome. i guess it's good??? i don't know how to feel about it. i am absolutely not aromantic but thinking about this sort of thing makes me feel a little bit like one.
5. on the internet/phone/stuff less which i like. now i just have to read more.
6. been speaking to a veryyy good friend a little more and talked to her about, like, more serious personal stuff which we don't often do even though we're very good friends. she was predictably nice and cool and amazing about it. this was never really in doubt, but i will never complain about being reminded that i have v nice friends :)

the bad:
1. i still feel slightly hopelessly emo... it will improve!!! but it has not yet. i don't think it's gotten worse (on second thought it is getting a little worse but it's not too dire in me-land yet.) but i am definitely in a depressive period which i haven't seriously had in a while. paired with the fact that this is a very bad time to get one, i really don't know what i'll do about it.
2. I WANT TO KILL MY ROOMMATE. i think this is because my blood sugar is low and because i'm already in a bad mood. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. I WILL KILL HIM. <- Joke! :D
3. i have a teeny tiny cold which is annoying. something's going around, i know like four or five people who also have a cold! it's not actually that bad. just a little... bleh...
4. i have not been eating as much as i should probably. i want to be better but it's very difficult. i can tell it's starting to affect me more now which is nawwwwtttt the best feeling but it's okay i will do better.
5. i'm doing therapy again on friiiiday which is so far away. i don't really want to wait that long but i sorta have to. it's okay. i just don't want to wait very long :(
6: i have lots of work to do which i feel utterly incapable of doing. i will have to find a way to get it done, but my fear is i will upset some other part of my life by dedicating energy towards working. it shouldn't be difficult, but i feel it will be.

anyways! this was slightly long. i wish i could ramble about something funnn because i have done some fun things in the past few days but blehhhh not in the mood :p i don't have much to add really besides the bullets!!! i won't let myself complain any longer unless i add nice things too. okokok. abrupt and sudden departure. goodbye for meow, dear reader. :)

current mood: depressed
current music: the gr8 LE TEMPS DE L'AMOUR by the GR8 FRANCOISE HARDY RAHHHHHHH

helloooo good morninggg i have been up for a little bit but i have been too tired to write anything. i got up and brushed my teeth and my roommate is going out to the city again which means i will have the place to myself for a while hooray! i will do nothing with this and instead do everything i normally do but quieter. ough my " stummy" hurts randomly. anyways i slept so soundly!! probably not enough. but after like having such a warm shower i just passed out so quickly my hair didn't have time to dry and now it's like... very weird and gay looking. anyways. yesterday was so weird i remember like when i got into the creepy dark empty building i went into one of the rooms and turned the lights on and there was a random YA book there. so i locked the door and finished the YA book and i think there was like an analogy about mother/daughterhood in there but i am not a mother nor daughter so it probably went over my head. it felt like it was meant to be there though. i couldn't have been on my phone because it would have died. so i just sat there and read this YA book in one sitting. also when i was walking back to my dorm a bunny ran in front of me :) well, walking back to my dorm the first time. is it obvious what i did yesterday? walked to theater > walked to dorm > turned around in front of dorm and walked to creepy dark empty building > walked back to dorm > end. i am glad i didn't sleep in the theater because i needed like ... "self care". also the yogurt is key lime pie which i got at someone else's suggestion and it actually wasn't bad. i am kinda just saying this to see how it sounds, i don't know if i believe it: i think half the time calling something "too sweet" is a made up complaint. i'm not sure if i agree with that sentiment or not yet but there may be a kernel of truth in there. because at first i had a spoonful of yogurt and thought it was too sweet... but i literally don't care. i like sweet things. it was yummy. idk! i don't like very sweet things but maybe i am just making made up complaints. the protein bar things are peanut butter and dark chocolate which makes me feel 100% like a dead dog. they're actually kinda yum though. i only bought a box of 10 because they, like, have a cost to them, but i might actually finish them somewhat quickly. oughhh i want my mail. goldfish... i also had chips and salsa yesterday. good!!! hard to really eat without all the comforts of home (i miss having little ramekins). also there is no dish soap in the kitchen, making washing things very annoying, and if i end up buying it i'm not leaving it down there. it's going to be myyy personal dish soap. i feel like an evil person for that a little. but i'm still doing it. i didn't really have a meal yesterday, just little snacks, but it's better than nothing i think :) i ate when i was hungry and that's good. i'm still very tired. i really do need to work today. i should start that after i finish this but i don't want to. maybe i will work on the script/notes for my presentation and figure out how i'll record it. it is hard to think about presenting it & recording it because i want to kill myself (hashtag joke) and i do not want to go outside today or speak at all so that throws a wrench in that whole thing. anyways i should wrap this uppp probably. ummm bweh why do i forget how to finish these? i feel like i've been reset. putting "depressed" as my mood on here feels analogous to making black and white self harm pictures the cover of a spotify playlist (i knew someone that did this!). okay. maybe i will have a little treat and lay down and figure out what to do for now. thank u for reading chat sorry i mean dear reader goodbye for now :)

current mood: depressed
current music: none currently but i am in a waltz/classical mood

back from town. i actually went out hooray! it was rainy and sort of dismal but i'm still glad i went out. i like walking around in the rain! i took the bus so i didn't really exert myself much but it's okay. i got some food and little nutrition bar things and an entire tiramisu cake which i intend on eating by myself over a period of multiple weeks. i just got like... the bars, cake, a monster (which i havent had in forever), umm chips + lame jarred salsa, yogurt, andddd donuts which i ate. i like donuts i dont care if theyre bad for me. my roommate was also in town and we ran into each other at the store. but he biked in + out because he is a little loser. why do i have so much animosity??? i'm glad i went out though. i don't really know whatttt to do now... i really should be productive but it's hard. especially when my roommate doesn't understand the concept of a shared room so he is audibly singing with earbuds in. so i guess my two options are listen to his shit music or listen to him repeat his shit music. fun! i'm just listening to LCD soundsystem (who i love) very loudly. [edit: i just realized. is "internet seekers" in Losing My Edge (amazing song) a reference to soulseek like 2 years after it was created? of course James Murphy knows ball... so i wouldn't be surprised!] if i wasn't a pushover i would use my speaker more to " mog " him as the kids say. i don't care what anybody says LCD soundsystem are so fun. i haven't seriously listened to them in like years so this is a good lil travel back in time. ok he really has to quiet down. sorry for being an asshole roommate butttt cmon let's respect each other a lil bit here. next time he leaves for like 1 minute i am putting something annoyingly atonal on the speaker until he quiets down. does this count as pavloving him? i forget psychology. negative reinforcement? ok i looked it up i think it is negative reinforcement. thank you intro to psych class. you know i actually enjoyed that class because it was all like biology and neuropsychology and operant conditioning and things like that which are more like... factual observations about the body/brain. at least i think operant conditioning is. i think it is! it works on like every animal, so... must be pretty factual. only at the end did we talk very briefly about made up sounding stuff about disorders and personality types and the like. so it was actually kinda enjoyable! also the professor was really great. anyways i am in a bit of a better mood despite the fact i should be thinking about work. at least i have tomorrow off. okay i am going to... idk what. listen to more LCD soundsystem and think about having some mid chips and salsa. OH also there's this brand of salsa that everyone likes that i think is okay (i forget what it's called) that i only discovered *after* moving to a what seemed to be a white ethnostate in western mass (it was such a downgrade of a move. i <3 holyoke massachusetts). due to it being all white people they only had "medium" at the supermarket which is like... okay. but here i found the hot kind! it was out of stock but next time i go i will try it if it's there. this is so banal i hope that's okay. isn't that what this is for? i need to start having more revelations. i would love to be spoken to by like some sort of sexy ethereal deity thing but i think that'd make me a hugeee asshole hippie. anyways. goodbye for now :D

current music: LCD soundsystem live in madison square garden in like 2011

okay, i think what i'm doing is microblogging. i've figured it out. also this is a COMPLAINING post... back from lunch and it was awful. had two cookies and walked back. convinced myself i would eat dinner later... only other place to eat food around dinner that will sustain me is closed. so i am probably not going to eat any more today, unless i spend money at the convenience store which i shouldn't be doing. really sad about that :( i wanted to do the good thing but i couldn't and i'm v bummed. bleh. i was v proud of myself for going out too! i don't want this to be an emo blog!!! but i feel so emo . . . i hope i feel better later. i was thinking about " self harming " (odious phrase) later today because it has been a few days since i have last done it and i'm kinda like. idk. not happy with how it went last time. but we'll see! i feel so tired and lazy i might not even make the walk out to the place where i did it last. maybe i will just try to fall back asleep??? idkidkidk. this is so uncool :( i even wore a fun outfit :((( I NEED TO NOT BE EMO. but it is going to happen. i'll try to figure out something fun to do to distract myself. goodbye for now :)

current mood: depressed
current music: noahlewis still

so i understand "blogging" or diary-ing or journaling is meant to be a once in a while affair. but maybe i need to do it all the time. every half hour. like those people who record/ed everything they did in a day. i'll spare you stool analysis at the very least. anyways i will probably drag myself to lunch soon, as much as i don't want to. i keep thinking about how your brain will eventually (roommate update: he doesn't even like Tarantino, who already makes movies for the lowest common denominator. i don't like him [Tarantino]. how can you think Tarantino is too "slow"??? that's really bad!!!) how your brain will eventually get fucked if you stop giving it nutrients and amino acids and stuff which i guess contribute to the brain's wellbeing. that's pretty obvious in retrospect. anyways i am not at risk of malnourishment, lol, but i do certainly get that bataillean death drive urge to like. see how weird i can get my brain to be. i'm sorry brain. that's such a horrible thing to do to you. i love you so much and i'm sorry for thinking (weird, right?) of you this way. anyways. bleh i really dont want to go to lunch but i will just eat and come back and that'll be that. maybe i will even get myself a dessert. hopefully there will be fewer people there because weekend. i'm not an agoraphobe or anything but i'd just rather be secluded today. shrugging guy emoticon. actually i like him so much i'm going to go find him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ there he is! i feel like a real internet user now. okay. i should probably get dressed now. i'm using too many periods... where are the other kinds of punctuation? maybe my brain degradation is already kicking in. god, i do want that to happen. in like a weird libidinal way. fuck you, bataille. anyways. i am going to get up and get dressed. goodbye :)

current mood: listless
current music: still Noahlewis