the confluence of all the senses
Friday, December 12th, 2025 02:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhello dear reader! it's much too late to post but i guess i have some things i could chat about and hopefully this will help me fall asleep. it feels slightly more difficult to chat about things candidly as now i know that one member of the presumed *legion* of dear-readers is dating me. so i guess... i'd feel bad saying things that have some sort of emotional weight? dunno why. i guess now that i am aware someone has a reason to take interest in my emotional state i don't want to appear disordered when normally i'm okay appearing so. despite this, i'm going to try my best not to change anything about what i say here, because i think it's helpful for me to say what i'd like to, and i should try to keep this thing going as best i can. anyways!
not doing incredibly well tonight, don't know why. there are a few practical concerns--classes are over, there is finals work to be done, i have no intentions of working, i'm incredibly apathetic towards it. i haven't been able to think about working, let alone put pen to paper. two essays and one test... the test will be okay. the essays will be difficult. i really don't know what i'll do. it doesn't help that i still feel very depressed. i talked about it with my therapist and i guess i've visualized how i've felt over the past few days. it's like water & oil: all of the good things which have been happening lately, like me dating someone, people generally being nice to me, etc, feel like a layer of oil separated from & on top of a layer of water, which is my "actual" mood. i understand the obvious critique; why aren't the events of your everyday life a part of your "actual" mood?? it makes no sense to have this distinction. this critique makes a lot of sense... but i guess i feel like they're distinct for no real reason besides "they feel different to me". anyways--the layer of good things has been... very good for the past week! but i guess it feels like it's starting to wane already? i was horribly depressed before the events of the past week, to a very bothersome and negative degree, and it feels like it's coming back a little and i hate it. it just feels worse. it feels less like there is a part of me that simply is depressed, though i do still feel this way every now and then, and i won't deny that my everyday life still suffers from it, and more like there is something separate from me that hates me and is trying to kill me. i won't over-emotionalize this even though i kinda want to.
earlier i felt very ill and very suicidal but after writing this out i feel a little better. i still don't feel amazing. i'm just a little scared still of how everything has been going. this shouldn't really be a public post, i don't think... i don't know. don't perceive this post! ignore it. anywyas. i do think things have been trending in a sorta scary way. i mean... there has been an upward trend of good things, yeah. exciting things!! hexciting. for hexample: wow, this person likes me a lot. and says very nice things about me. and wants to have sex with me, very badly. i feel like i can focus on all this very easily, but there coexists another world in which my therapist says i really need to start thinking about medication and having more frequent meetings and asks me to put hotlines on my phone and tells me that plans need to be in place and i don't know what else. i feel a little ill again qwq. i hate saying i'm "scared" because i think it's too emotional a thing to feel and what if this is a big nothingburger and i end up being fine in a week but i don't know. i feel very emotional simply by thinking about myself.
i guess i was hoping i'd talk more about fun things like finals and sex and stuff! dunno. probably going to do poorly on finals and i'm still afraid of sex. tout va bien! i'll be less emo soon. i kinda want to talk more about sex but i already don't like doing this and now someone is reading these posts who has a very vested interest in having sex with me, so... that complicates things slightly... not their fault. i need to write these when i'm in a good mood. i spoke to someone today and they used my name and i didn't know they even knew my name and it made me happy. i don't know. ough, i really am so emo in this post and i don't even have the energy to tone it down, sob. you'll simply have to deal with it, dear reader, and wait for good news. goodnight for meow :)
not doing incredibly well tonight, don't know why. there are a few practical concerns--classes are over, there is finals work to be done, i have no intentions of working, i'm incredibly apathetic towards it. i haven't been able to think about working, let alone put pen to paper. two essays and one test... the test will be okay. the essays will be difficult. i really don't know what i'll do. it doesn't help that i still feel very depressed. i talked about it with my therapist and i guess i've visualized how i've felt over the past few days. it's like water & oil: all of the good things which have been happening lately, like me dating someone, people generally being nice to me, etc, feel like a layer of oil separated from & on top of a layer of water, which is my "actual" mood. i understand the obvious critique; why aren't the events of your everyday life a part of your "actual" mood?? it makes no sense to have this distinction. this critique makes a lot of sense... but i guess i feel like they're distinct for no real reason besides "they feel different to me". anyways--the layer of good things has been... very good for the past week! but i guess it feels like it's starting to wane already? i was horribly depressed before the events of the past week, to a very bothersome and negative degree, and it feels like it's coming back a little and i hate it. it just feels worse. it feels less like there is a part of me that simply is depressed, though i do still feel this way every now and then, and i won't deny that my everyday life still suffers from it, and more like there is something separate from me that hates me and is trying to kill me. i won't over-emotionalize this even though i kinda want to.
earlier i felt very ill and very suicidal but after writing this out i feel a little better. i still don't feel amazing. i'm just a little scared still of how everything has been going. this shouldn't really be a public post, i don't think... i don't know. don't perceive this post! ignore it. anywyas. i do think things have been trending in a sorta scary way. i mean... there has been an upward trend of good things, yeah. exciting things!! hexciting. for hexample: wow, this person likes me a lot. and says very nice things about me. and wants to have sex with me, very badly. i feel like i can focus on all this very easily, but there coexists another world in which my therapist says i really need to start thinking about medication and having more frequent meetings and asks me to put hotlines on my phone and tells me that plans need to be in place and i don't know what else. i feel a little ill again qwq. i hate saying i'm "scared" because i think it's too emotional a thing to feel and what if this is a big nothingburger and i end up being fine in a week but i don't know. i feel very emotional simply by thinking about myself.
i guess i was hoping i'd talk more about fun things like finals and sex and stuff! dunno. probably going to do poorly on finals and i'm still afraid of sex. tout va bien! i'll be less emo soon. i kinda want to talk more about sex but i already don't like doing this and now someone is reading these posts who has a very vested interest in having sex with me, so... that complicates things slightly... not their fault. i need to write these when i'm in a good mood. i spoke to someone today and they used my name and i didn't know they even knew my name and it made me happy. i don't know. ough, i really am so emo in this post and i don't even have the energy to tone it down, sob. you'll simply have to deal with it, dear reader, and wait for good news. goodnight for meow :)
