chalk lines around my body like the shoreline of a lake
Tuesday, December 16th, 2025 03:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhello all. feeling kinda blehhh... currently having some issues with things. i don't think i'll be able to do anything too bad in the next few weeks because i will be with immediate family and i think that will surely keep me from anything drastic and maybe even improve my mood a little. the immediate moment consists of me doing poorly and making exceedingly bad decisions. i don't really want to think or talk about them, though, so i'm going to talk about music because it's been bringing me lots of joy lately which doesn't always happen.
i'll look at all these albums in order because i want to talk but not about anything serious. okay... in order.
1 - a night created by the shadows: the version i have been listening to isn't remastered, to my knowledge, but is bundled with a live set in Rotterdam which is pretty good but i don't like it as much as the demo. the live set is recorded very well--so well, in fact, that you can't hear the audience at all because it's a soundboard recording. i think that makes it a little stiff! anyways, that's not on *this* demo. i like it. straight ahead mid 90s raw black metal.
2 - written with the heart's blood: i don't actually listen to much shostakovich, but my friend mentioned him a few times and i randomly came across this album and thought it had a great title and cover and so i listened. has a v good version of his string quartet no. 8, which i actually already know and like a lot, and some other pieces which i don't already know but still like. shostakovich certainly won't dethrone satie (who i have *still* been listening to, actually moreso than anyone else this week, but who has omitted in this topster for the sake of variety), but this is a very good album nonetheless.
3 - seven chalices: not much to say about this one. i don't feel much in the mood for it right now so it's hard to fawn over... a pretty good blackened death album which definitely fills the void of "not quite emotional enough for black metal, not quite motivated enough for d-beat, but i still want something loud and fast and very angry which i can listen to while i focus on something else".
4 - love is blue: very pretty album. longet is essentially whispering the whole time and it's very cute and twee and just... idk. not twee and cute in a dumb way. in a sophisticated way! it sounds well put together. this album is like a really nice summer dress from the 60s or a tasteful flower arrangement where you're really only struck by how well it's put together after simply appreciating it for its aesthetics. does this make sense?
5 - the smile sessions: i have honestly never been able to get into the beach boys besides this album. and this album is perfect! it's all you need. it is like... counter to the last analogy i just made. you appreciate this album for how well it's put together pretty much as soon as you hear it. and it's fucking pretty! love you, brian wilson. it's like... if Love Is Blue is a Matisse, smile is like a Klimt. is it?!?!?! maybe... Goncharova? i really like Goncharova as representing Smile. but that one Matisse of the flowers and the window kinda works for some songs on Smile, too... ugh, who cares.
6 - he who jumps...: this is, like, only an EP, but i still like it. haven't listened to it much in the past few days so i have less to say. really good blackened screamo stuff which i can't get enough of. i feel like "blackened screamo" is so nebulous and really means nothing... but this gets close to what i'm looking for, and very albums have done this so far, so it gets props. also, it's a godard quote!
7 - doomed from the start: doom gets me in a real mood. love them. i guess this is going to sound a little extra, but... when i listen to this album i feel like it really gets me. Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing will always be amazing at this, and i will always call it the best, but something about doom... these demos in particular. it feels more primal than discharge. it just makes me feel a real emotion that other records fail to do.
8 - the natural bridge: i have been listening to this record sooo much. it's one of those things... i was reading a review for the film The Fire Within where someone said it's "not a depressing movie"... this is the sort of intellectualism i hate. no, things can be what they are at first inspection. this can be true. i was reading about The Natural Bridge and apparently some of the comments on it when it first came out were that it didn't sound like a sad album. what the fuck?? this is one of those albums where, in this case, David Berman is giving me the most unadorned portion of his soul and i tremble at the idea of forming my own thoughts on it, relatively weak and unformed. it's just... it's so good. it's so beautiful. he was such a genius and this album drives me insane and if i were to die i'd want everyone to know that this album made me less afraid.
9 - his majesty: um... Svartsyn again... how do i follow the last summary... idk... good album... good black metal... yeah...
anyways. i did leave out Satie but he's on again right now, and christ he's fucking good. i feel like this is the sort of moment you look back on and judge yourself for on the basis of teenage pretension, like... last week i walked around in the cold smoking a cigarette to a gnossienne and that's such a vomit-worthy statement, but... it's *good*! i cannot lie--walking around in the cold smoking a cigarette to one or two gnossiennes is fucking perfect. and then i got kissed on the lips after! like... judge me if you want for such frivolity, but i do it for a reason. anyways.
my current state is..... ehhghhh. i won't get into it. i'm not in any danger or anything, to be clear. as i said, soon i think i'll be thoroughly out of dangerous territory while i'm with family, because they're practically already a psych ward. but i have been thinking about it. i don't really know what to do in the case of being frighteningly suicidal... i already had a somewhat close call the other day and i realize that i have been actively trying to, like, mentally "get over" the things that stopped me from actually going through with it, which isn't good. i have too many things at my disposal and as i go back to my house i'll probably end up bringing sharps back with me. all of this has led me to think about whether or not checking myself into the hospital at some point would be good or bad for me... and i don't really see what good it'd do. i think maybe i'd have some positive placebo, but nothing would really change. i don't know what it could offer me besides a near-guarantee that i *won't* do anything, but that obviously doesn't last forever, as i have to leave eventually. i think i'd refuse medication, and i hate the idea of interfacing with social workers or psychiatrists or therapists because i'll simply ignore their advice. i don't want to talk with other suicidal people because if they're better off than me i'll resent them and if they're worse off than me i'll pity them. if they're just as bad as me maybe we'll fall in love. ha ha, joke. i almost just want to be able to use it as an excuse. "yes, i did horribly in all of my classes, but i was so depressed that i had to go to the hospital." it doesn't really matter at all because it won't change anything. i don't really know.
i only really talk to one person about this, that person being the person i'm dating, which feels a little unfair to them. well, i talk to my therapist, too. there are like... two people i know who i would talk to about it, but one of them i don't regularly talk to about emotional things and it frightens me a little to imagine starting. they are also in most respects totally normal. i don't really want to burden this very regular person with what i have going on. i don't think they'd not understand me or anything... my problem is not that i feel it'd be unpleasant to talk to them because they don't have the same problems i do and thus cannot understand them. i just think it'd be very frightening to them if i told them everything. the other person is very nice and i could probably actually talk to them about this sort of thing but i only really have congenial funny friend conversations with them and i don't want to make those more difficult. who else... i don't know! i don't know many other depressed people, that's the thing. i have plenty of people to talk to, but not about issues like this. i had a great conversation with someone about romantic things and i also got to talk a little bit about OTHER things that were very serious! and it was genuinely very nice to say some things out loud with them because they understood really well. they weren't ashamed to talk about their own life and SA they've experienced, and in a very casual and non therapy-speak way which i always like, and that made me feel more okay talking about my own life. i promise they weren't playing therapist even though it sounds like that, qwq. okay, i'm starting to actually really ramble now because i'm tired and this has been wicked long. i need to hang up the hat here. goodnight for meow :)
i'll look at all these albums in order because i want to talk but not about anything serious. okay... in order.
1 - a night created by the shadows: the version i have been listening to isn't remastered, to my knowledge, but is bundled with a live set in Rotterdam which is pretty good but i don't like it as much as the demo. the live set is recorded very well--so well, in fact, that you can't hear the audience at all because it's a soundboard recording. i think that makes it a little stiff! anyways, that's not on *this* demo. i like it. straight ahead mid 90s raw black metal.
2 - written with the heart's blood: i don't actually listen to much shostakovich, but my friend mentioned him a few times and i randomly came across this album and thought it had a great title and cover and so i listened. has a v good version of his string quartet no. 8, which i actually already know and like a lot, and some other pieces which i don't already know but still like. shostakovich certainly won't dethrone satie (who i have *still* been listening to, actually moreso than anyone else this week, but who has omitted in this topster for the sake of variety), but this is a very good album nonetheless.
3 - seven chalices: not much to say about this one. i don't feel much in the mood for it right now so it's hard to fawn over... a pretty good blackened death album which definitely fills the void of "not quite emotional enough for black metal, not quite motivated enough for d-beat, but i still want something loud and fast and very angry which i can listen to while i focus on something else".
4 - love is blue: very pretty album. longet is essentially whispering the whole time and it's very cute and twee and just... idk. not twee and cute in a dumb way. in a sophisticated way! it sounds well put together. this album is like a really nice summer dress from the 60s or a tasteful flower arrangement where you're really only struck by how well it's put together after simply appreciating it for its aesthetics. does this make sense?
5 - the smile sessions: i have honestly never been able to get into the beach boys besides this album. and this album is perfect! it's all you need. it is like... counter to the last analogy i just made. you appreciate this album for how well it's put together pretty much as soon as you hear it. and it's fucking pretty! love you, brian wilson. it's like... if Love Is Blue is a Matisse, smile is like a Klimt. is it?!?!?! maybe... Goncharova? i really like Goncharova as representing Smile. but that one Matisse of the flowers and the window kinda works for some songs on Smile, too... ugh, who cares.
6 - he who jumps...: this is, like, only an EP, but i still like it. haven't listened to it much in the past few days so i have less to say. really good blackened screamo stuff which i can't get enough of. i feel like "blackened screamo" is so nebulous and really means nothing... but this gets close to what i'm looking for, and very albums have done this so far, so it gets props. also, it's a godard quote!
7 - doomed from the start: doom gets me in a real mood. love them. i guess this is going to sound a little extra, but... when i listen to this album i feel like it really gets me. Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing will always be amazing at this, and i will always call it the best, but something about doom... these demos in particular. it feels more primal than discharge. it just makes me feel a real emotion that other records fail to do.
8 - the natural bridge: i have been listening to this record sooo much. it's one of those things... i was reading a review for the film The Fire Within where someone said it's "not a depressing movie"... this is the sort of intellectualism i hate. no, things can be what they are at first inspection. this can be true. i was reading about The Natural Bridge and apparently some of the comments on it when it first came out were that it didn't sound like a sad album. what the fuck?? this is one of those albums where, in this case, David Berman is giving me the most unadorned portion of his soul and i tremble at the idea of forming my own thoughts on it, relatively weak and unformed. it's just... it's so good. it's so beautiful. he was such a genius and this album drives me insane and if i were to die i'd want everyone to know that this album made me less afraid.
9 - his majesty: um... Svartsyn again... how do i follow the last summary... idk... good album... good black metal... yeah...
anyways. i did leave out Satie but he's on again right now, and christ he's fucking good. i feel like this is the sort of moment you look back on and judge yourself for on the basis of teenage pretension, like... last week i walked around in the cold smoking a cigarette to a gnossienne and that's such a vomit-worthy statement, but... it's *good*! i cannot lie--walking around in the cold smoking a cigarette to one or two gnossiennes is fucking perfect. and then i got kissed on the lips after! like... judge me if you want for such frivolity, but i do it for a reason. anyways.
my current state is..... ehhghhh. i won't get into it. i'm not in any danger or anything, to be clear. as i said, soon i think i'll be thoroughly out of dangerous territory while i'm with family, because they're practically already a psych ward. but i have been thinking about it. i don't really know what to do in the case of being frighteningly suicidal... i already had a somewhat close call the other day and i realize that i have been actively trying to, like, mentally "get over" the things that stopped me from actually going through with it, which isn't good. i have too many things at my disposal and as i go back to my house i'll probably end up bringing sharps back with me. all of this has led me to think about whether or not checking myself into the hospital at some point would be good or bad for me... and i don't really see what good it'd do. i think maybe i'd have some positive placebo, but nothing would really change. i don't know what it could offer me besides a near-guarantee that i *won't* do anything, but that obviously doesn't last forever, as i have to leave eventually. i think i'd refuse medication, and i hate the idea of interfacing with social workers or psychiatrists or therapists because i'll simply ignore their advice. i don't want to talk with other suicidal people because if they're better off than me i'll resent them and if they're worse off than me i'll pity them. if they're just as bad as me maybe we'll fall in love. ha ha, joke. i almost just want to be able to use it as an excuse. "yes, i did horribly in all of my classes, but i was so depressed that i had to go to the hospital." it doesn't really matter at all because it won't change anything. i don't really know.
i only really talk to one person about this, that person being the person i'm dating, which feels a little unfair to them. well, i talk to my therapist, too. there are like... two people i know who i would talk to about it, but one of them i don't regularly talk to about emotional things and it frightens me a little to imagine starting. they are also in most respects totally normal. i don't really want to burden this very regular person with what i have going on. i don't think they'd not understand me or anything... my problem is not that i feel it'd be unpleasant to talk to them because they don't have the same problems i do and thus cannot understand them. i just think it'd be very frightening to them if i told them everything. the other person is very nice and i could probably actually talk to them about this sort of thing but i only really have congenial funny friend conversations with them and i don't want to make those more difficult. who else... i don't know! i don't know many other depressed people, that's the thing. i have plenty of people to talk to, but not about issues like this. i had a great conversation with someone about romantic things and i also got to talk a little bit about OTHER things that were very serious! and it was genuinely very nice to say some things out loud with them because they understood really well. they weren't ashamed to talk about their own life and SA they've experienced, and in a very casual and non therapy-speak way which i always like, and that made me feel more okay talking about my own life. i promise they weren't playing therapist even though it sounds like that, qwq. okay, i'm starting to actually really ramble now because i'm tired and this has been wicked long. i need to hang up the hat here. goodnight for meow :)
