every time i see you falling, i get down on my knees and pray
Monday, December 22nd, 2025 03:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhello dear reader... been a while! i am in my ancestral homeland (western massachusetts) for the holiday season, and soon (not actually very soon) i will be shipping up to Montreal for winter things and hockey games and all of that. i am feeling... conflicted. lapses of depression but i think generally better. i don't want to ramble too much about that, but much has been happening on the mental health front, so i don't really have thattt much else to talk about. i guess i have some other things that are somewhat fun! i forget one of them already i'll slip them in (when they come to mind, at least). i'm meant to be up before noon tomorrow but i care more about writing this. anyways.
fun one first. christmas! i don't know if this is me being autistic or something, but i kinda hate the idea of christmas gifts. i am an adamant supporter of giving gifts wheneverrr you feel like it and not just on one day. give gifts all year. also, don't make them surprises!!! i LOVE when people tell me about gifts. i love telling people about THEIR gifts!!! i have to practice not doing this because i understand some people like surprises... i did reveal someone's gift on accident the other day but i don't think they even know it is a gift yet. i still have to get gifts for some other people. i love gifting because i am like... another thing--i can only really do token gifts. i don't like practical gifts unless someone ASKS for what they want. the onus isn't on the person to ask, i guess i should make that clear, but i am not so presumptuous as to believe i know what someone needs or wants. like... i don't know! maybe i should be more confident. i feel bad for coaxing people into telling me what they've gotten me but i love it so much. i like knowing the gift more than i do having to guess. is this weird??? dunno. anyways.
okay, one more unrelated thing before i go mental health mode. someone said hi to me out of NOWHERE TODAY and it was cool and i talked to them a little. they're like a vestige of when i was a pathetic onliner but i liked it a little bit. it is probably bad to enjoy and interact with reminders of when i was a pathetic (underage!) onliner... this person wasn't, like, the worst out of all of them, but definitely not good. but i don't know. i think it is silly to suggest i cannot be hurt or affected by them because i am an adult now but i do feel that way a little bit. i don't know... already lapsing into being emo... bleh!
well, this isn't necessarily emo. i don't feel super emo right now. i've been, like... not amazing... reaping what i am sowing currently. i will probably end up doing some hospital thing but thankfully it has been mostly voluntary so far. i feel ambivalent on this. i feel like i'm throwing away my values by doing this sort of thing but i do feel like i might kill myself if i don't do *something*. at least it's voluntary and going well so far.
...interlude... talking to the person i am dating and listening to talk talk my beloved and reaching critical levels of general romanticism. not of suicide but of like everything. ...interlude...
still in romanticism mode. i'll power through and be matter-of-fact. anywyas. it is good that it's voluntary! i don't exactly like that i *am* volunteering... but i think my go-to analogy of being led to the gallows doesn't exactly work when this will probably end up keeping me from killing myself. thus, the furthest thing for the gallows. i'll answer this before i ask it--yes, i'm entitled to hate this even if it is good for me. christ, i wish i brought my cigarettes. all i have are these fucking made up ones which don't even have nicotine in them! there is absolutely no point in it because my parents would immediately know and be very disappointed in me in that crushing middle class way. but i would love one right now. it would fix me. anywyas. the timeframe for all of this is incredibly tentative.
oh, the other thing! schoolwork is very dicey. i don't want to talk v much about it because it is kinda humiliating but i did very poorly and it is essentially all my fault because i didn't do anything i had to do because i didn't want to do it. i don't feel bad for any of this and i would probably do it again... but it doesn't feel good to waste people's time and my parents' money and generally stink. okay, silver jews is on now. automatically allotting myself EMO TIME at the end of all this. anywyas. yeah i did horribly this semester and it's my fault and i feel like i can and want to do nothing about it. it is so bad i am probably going to get the dean of students involved and see if i can't get some sort of accommodation... which feels kinda pathetic seeing as i know and have known people who are probably just as bad as me who get by fine. well, i did know a girl in middle school who was so depressed she left school halfway through but they still read her name out for attendance every day even though she was never there.
okay. is it emo time? i don't know. this is all truly very awful, though. this really is terrible in every sense of the world. i had like a four message text conversation with someone that was just so nice i'm emotional thinking about it and now more good music is on and ugh. it's just so awful. i really can't explain it but it's like... soz i'm Talking to my Girlfriend now. this is better. interlude, interlude, interlude...
i have to be up at ~11. which isn't, like... thattt bad... bleh. i think i shouldn't be too emo tonight. i think this is a sign. even if not smoking is not helping in this very much. BLEH. blehhghh. i think i can't be too emo. let's do a therapy thing. what do i want right now? i want to ride in the back of a car in a big city. or on a bus. i'd like to smoke a cigarette. i'd like to be watching a matinee play. i'd like to be at a drive-in movie theater. i'd like to be in a 24 hour diner. i want to get on a roof. i want to walk around. i want to go to an art gallery. i want to go to a reflecting pool. i want to smoke a cigarette outside of a 24 hour diner. i want to blefhhghh i dont know. qwq qwq qwq qwq qwq. army of criers. i need to make it work for all of the people who love me. i need to keep myself together. i need something to win and i want the wrong thing to win so badly. i don't want to keep myself together at all. i need to pick one or the other. bleh. goodnight for meow :) :( :) :(
fun one first. christmas! i don't know if this is me being autistic or something, but i kinda hate the idea of christmas gifts. i am an adamant supporter of giving gifts wheneverrr you feel like it and not just on one day. give gifts all year. also, don't make them surprises!!! i LOVE when people tell me about gifts. i love telling people about THEIR gifts!!! i have to practice not doing this because i understand some people like surprises... i did reveal someone's gift on accident the other day but i don't think they even know it is a gift yet. i still have to get gifts for some other people. i love gifting because i am like... another thing--i can only really do token gifts. i don't like practical gifts unless someone ASKS for what they want. the onus isn't on the person to ask, i guess i should make that clear, but i am not so presumptuous as to believe i know what someone needs or wants. like... i don't know! maybe i should be more confident. i feel bad for coaxing people into telling me what they've gotten me but i love it so much. i like knowing the gift more than i do having to guess. is this weird??? dunno. anyways.
okay, one more unrelated thing before i go mental health mode. someone said hi to me out of NOWHERE TODAY and it was cool and i talked to them a little. they're like a vestige of when i was a pathetic onliner but i liked it a little bit. it is probably bad to enjoy and interact with reminders of when i was a pathetic (underage!) onliner... this person wasn't, like, the worst out of all of them, but definitely not good. but i don't know. i think it is silly to suggest i cannot be hurt or affected by them because i am an adult now but i do feel that way a little bit. i don't know... already lapsing into being emo... bleh!
well, this isn't necessarily emo. i don't feel super emo right now. i've been, like... not amazing... reaping what i am sowing currently. i will probably end up doing some hospital thing but thankfully it has been mostly voluntary so far. i feel ambivalent on this. i feel like i'm throwing away my values by doing this sort of thing but i do feel like i might kill myself if i don't do *something*. at least it's voluntary and going well so far.
...interlude... talking to the person i am dating and listening to talk talk my beloved and reaching critical levels of general romanticism. not of suicide but of like everything. ...interlude...
still in romanticism mode. i'll power through and be matter-of-fact. anywyas. it is good that it's voluntary! i don't exactly like that i *am* volunteering... but i think my go-to analogy of being led to the gallows doesn't exactly work when this will probably end up keeping me from killing myself. thus, the furthest thing for the gallows. i'll answer this before i ask it--yes, i'm entitled to hate this even if it is good for me. christ, i wish i brought my cigarettes. all i have are these fucking made up ones which don't even have nicotine in them! there is absolutely no point in it because my parents would immediately know and be very disappointed in me in that crushing middle class way. but i would love one right now. it would fix me. anywyas. the timeframe for all of this is incredibly tentative.
oh, the other thing! schoolwork is very dicey. i don't want to talk v much about it because it is kinda humiliating but i did very poorly and it is essentially all my fault because i didn't do anything i had to do because i didn't want to do it. i don't feel bad for any of this and i would probably do it again... but it doesn't feel good to waste people's time and my parents' money and generally stink. okay, silver jews is on now. automatically allotting myself EMO TIME at the end of all this. anywyas. yeah i did horribly this semester and it's my fault and i feel like i can and want to do nothing about it. it is so bad i am probably going to get the dean of students involved and see if i can't get some sort of accommodation... which feels kinda pathetic seeing as i know and have known people who are probably just as bad as me who get by fine. well, i did know a girl in middle school who was so depressed she left school halfway through but they still read her name out for attendance every day even though she was never there.
okay. is it emo time? i don't know. this is all truly very awful, though. this really is terrible in every sense of the world. i had like a four message text conversation with someone that was just so nice i'm emotional thinking about it and now more good music is on and ugh. it's just so awful. i really can't explain it but it's like... soz i'm Talking to my Girlfriend now. this is better. interlude, interlude, interlude...
i have to be up at ~11. which isn't, like... thattt bad... bleh. i think i shouldn't be too emo tonight. i think this is a sign. even if not smoking is not helping in this very much. BLEH. blehhghh. i think i can't be too emo. let's do a therapy thing. what do i want right now? i want to ride in the back of a car in a big city. or on a bus. i'd like to smoke a cigarette. i'd like to be watching a matinee play. i'd like to be at a drive-in movie theater. i'd like to be in a 24 hour diner. i want to get on a roof. i want to walk around. i want to go to an art gallery. i want to go to a reflecting pool. i want to smoke a cigarette outside of a 24 hour diner. i want to blefhhghh i dont know. qwq qwq qwq qwq qwq. army of criers. i need to make it work for all of the people who love me. i need to keep myself together. i need something to win and i want the wrong thing to win so badly. i don't want to keep myself together at all. i need to pick one or the other. bleh. goodnight for meow :) :( :) :(
no subject
Date: Monday, 22 December 2025 04:52 pm (UTC)antipsychiatry has always been about individual choice. i think its ok to do it voluntarily. im in therapy and on meds and its helping, im just still critical of the system. and honestly i’m a little relieved even though i also hate it and its scary. because (little known fact) i really really really dont want my boyfriend to kill himself
even though i did well this sem from what grades i have so far, i still feel it because i’m hextremely disappointed in myself for wasting time and money re: the research that i do of my own free will. my PI is disappointed in me and i hate it…
you can talk to SAS for accommodations, i got extension accomodations among other things that i rarely use by leveraging my adhd. but be careful because i still ended up suffering and doing everything last minute lol
can i do all those things with you? except the cigarettes. can i kiss you there? oops crying again lol. i think its good to want. wanting helps you hold on. i dont know. i see myself reflected in you and its scary which makes me recognize that it must be scary for other people who know me. the last paragraph you wrote is making me very emotional . Im sorry, it feels somewhat weird and voyeuristic commenting on something so personal like this, but you said to leave more comments, so i will post this one. okay goodbye for meow :) (i will probably text you immediately after) i love you
no subject
Date: Thursday, 25 December 2025 09:20 am (UTC)i love you too. i don't actually hsve anything else to say... i should sleep. thanks again for commenting :D