la leche de la luce

hi, dear reader. wrote out a post and then deleted it because i was insurmountably emo and couldn't really come up with a way to express it. now i am listening to dark ambient. i'm really tired but i still want to make a post. i will probably bring up emo things because they're serious--but i pledge to *not* delete the entire post if i can't figure out how to express them!!! #Accountability. jfc i am tired. anyways.

doing ID things tomorrow. unfortunately, i'll get it in the mail, so i won't be able to use it for a while. they're taking my photo which surprises me (i assumed my passport photo would be reused); i look a little shit so we'll see how it pans out. i'll just wear a slutty shirt with the neckline cut off to be fun. at least it'll only be on a tiny card. everybody looks prettier in ID photos, honestly... slightly annoying to get your ID photo taken when you are in the middle of a horrible depressive episode but it's okay. i have to wake up early tomorrow, too. kill me! kill me! kill me!

blehh i'll talk about music a little... not for too long because i really am tired. listening to Ain Soph... haven't listened to these Nekrophile sorts in a little while. if i wasn't planning to sleep at some point soon i'd listen to LAShTAL after this and then maybe Metgumbnerbone even though they aren't on Nekrophile. do love Metgumbnerbone, though. been thinking of them a lot lately. haven't been thinking of Ain Soph or LAShTAL or anything but Ain Soph is kinda hitting the spot currently. i was listening to lots of Fursaxa earlier which is an entirely different thing... but similar vibe, somehow? been very downtempo lately. can't even get into black metal or anything like that.


^ photo of (to my knowledge) one of the guys from LAShTAL. Metgumbnerbone looks cooler, Ain Soph looks lamer. not including Metgumbnerbone image because i'm lazy and there's only like 2 i know of. i wish there were more!!! i am a big fan. i have a shirt of them!!!

anyways i will briefly talk about emo things. noooo i dont want to. this ritual ambient is saving my life currently. can we talk about how cool ritual ambient is?? like OMG i didn tveen bring up Zero Kama like Zero Kama is so /shot. i ammmm... idk. i get frightened every time i think about my own mental state and my future and all that, but i have to think about it more and more seeing as my family is concerned with me. other people are concerned with me, too, but to manageable degrees. i just feel bad still thinking about suicide even when it has gotten to the point where family and friends and people have to tell me, like... hey don't do that. guys i would loveeeee not to. i don't know. i don't currently like where things are. i struggle with thinking as far in the future as even a few weeks. things as simple as thinking about seeing friends and girlfriend and whatever again are increasingly difficult. i think that inpatient thing may be a good idea but i'm terrified of it... i can't imagine enjoying it whatsoever. i can't imagine *going along with it* whatsoever. if i did it it would certainly fuck up school and i'd have to take time off. idk.

i do love Zero Kama though. apparently there's another Music Made With Bones album out there made a few years ago made by some musician idfk which i will need to check out. i only know Metgumbnerbone and Zero Kama as Music Made With Bones Musicians... i always want more of it. just looked on RYM my dearly despised to see if there were other popular ritual ambient bands... NONE of who i have mentioned so far are in the top 10. wtf? RYM people continuing to have shit taste. there's some project by one of the guys from Clock DVA (who i don't much care for) that i may check out because it was seemingly reheating Nekrophile's nachos. i can't listen to much more music tonight. but i want to. this album is really hitting me tonight. vvv good. ok. i should go. love you, dear reader. goodnight for meow :)