"the world moves!... and why shouldn't it?"
Wednesday, January 14th, 2026 11:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhello dear reader. just had a #smoke. my roommate asked if it was me that smelled like smoke... i feel bad that he has to smell it. it's a bad smell! i am so tired. i do not at all want to do anything tomorrow. at least i only have two classes. on friday i have a class which i am so not looking forward to i aim to drop it before friday. at least i am seeing girlfriend #girlfriend. i bought a copiously large bag of Pirates Booty (tm) cheese puffs which are coming in about a week so i have to not kill myself before then. i also need to get my friend to give me the pack of chinese cigarettes he found on the floor. i am so mad that he got those and not me. why couldn't it be me!!! we will share them. anyways. thinking about Rimbaud a lot lately.
i also thought more about Todestrieb and everything and realized i have been coming to a pretty fatal misunderstanding of it. you necessarily cannot "desire" the death drive. it's a tendency which, if you start desiring, fails to be a tendency, and sorta reverts back to Eros. like... you cannot aim for the death drive. affirming the death drive is changing the death drive into an erotic will. you can't negate libido... if there is something desired, libido exists. there's some sort of object petit a here. the desire to disappear desire is, itself, a desire. the desire to self-abolish is the libido asserting itself. what does this mean??? IDK. it means i can't write an essay about it because i'm running myself in circles. i *could* write an essay about it if i am content with being incomprehensible.
speaking of libido... in the non-philosophical sense i have been #horny a lot more which is fun. for a while i wasn't horny at all so i'm trying to embrace it. i have recently inexplicably been seeing this book called "Dungeon Crawler Carl" a lot and it honestly looks really really bad and i think i need to like. write something of my own. i know i won't do this any time soon but if i keep telling myself that i should... maybe eventually i will... this doesn't have anything to do with me being horny. i just don't want to talk about me being horny qwq. already came twice today which is like rookie numbers but i am just getting back into this whole "being a pervert" thing okay so don't judge.
i did hang out with lots of friends today which i loved. had some v nice conversations. idk. it was nice. by the end i was kinda tired and i sorta stopped talking which i hope did not come off as weird... i had lotssss of other conversations and chats so i hope that balances it out. i talked with someone who i find very intelligent which was fun. unfortunately this is like their last semester, and a lot of other people's! i need to know more people. i know too many seniors and juniors. unfortunately some of these seniors are very intelligent and i like that. the person i spoke to is very nice and funny and we talked about the aesthetics class i'm in and i like that i said something and he was like Well you are wrong but that is okay :) i am going to try to keep taking the class because he said he enjoyed it and i respect his opinion. i hope he doesn't find me weird. i am very anxious about this and i don't know why.
very tired. ough... i don't know... i feel slightly emotional today and i don't know why. i love my friends. i love my friends. i am still a little scared about everything that has been going on... it hasn't exactly gone away, it just feels different now. been thinking of suicide less which is good but it does not feel "gone" enough. i just think of other people more which is good. bleh. blehfhh. i'm too tired to read but i want to do something. i don't feel Lyotard-y tonight at all... i am still thinking about Rimbaud... i love you Rimbaud. "now i am accursed, i detest my native land. the best thing is a drunken sleep, stretched out on some strip of shore." i need to get into poetry. "Tand, Tand... Ist das Gebilde von Menschenhand." goodnight for meow :)
i also thought more about Todestrieb and everything and realized i have been coming to a pretty fatal misunderstanding of it. you necessarily cannot "desire" the death drive. it's a tendency which, if you start desiring, fails to be a tendency, and sorta reverts back to Eros. like... you cannot aim for the death drive. affirming the death drive is changing the death drive into an erotic will. you can't negate libido... if there is something desired, libido exists. there's some sort of object petit a here. the desire to disappear desire is, itself, a desire. the desire to self-abolish is the libido asserting itself. what does this mean??? IDK. it means i can't write an essay about it because i'm running myself in circles. i *could* write an essay about it if i am content with being incomprehensible.
speaking of libido... in the non-philosophical sense i have been #horny a lot more which is fun. for a while i wasn't horny at all so i'm trying to embrace it. i have recently inexplicably been seeing this book called "Dungeon Crawler Carl" a lot and it honestly looks really really bad and i think i need to like. write something of my own. i know i won't do this any time soon but if i keep telling myself that i should... maybe eventually i will... this doesn't have anything to do with me being horny. i just don't want to talk about me being horny qwq. already came twice today which is like rookie numbers but i am just getting back into this whole "being a pervert" thing okay so don't judge.
i did hang out with lots of friends today which i loved. had some v nice conversations. idk. it was nice. by the end i was kinda tired and i sorta stopped talking which i hope did not come off as weird... i had lotssss of other conversations and chats so i hope that balances it out. i talked with someone who i find very intelligent which was fun. unfortunately this is like their last semester, and a lot of other people's! i need to know more people. i know too many seniors and juniors. unfortunately some of these seniors are very intelligent and i like that. the person i spoke to is very nice and funny and we talked about the aesthetics class i'm in and i like that i said something and he was like Well you are wrong but that is okay :) i am going to try to keep taking the class because he said he enjoyed it and i respect his opinion. i hope he doesn't find me weird. i am very anxious about this and i don't know why.
very tired. ough... i don't know... i feel slightly emotional today and i don't know why. i love my friends. i love my friends. i am still a little scared about everything that has been going on... it hasn't exactly gone away, it just feels different now. been thinking of suicide less which is good but it does not feel "gone" enough. i just think of other people more which is good. bleh. blehfhh. i'm too tired to read but i want to do something. i don't feel Lyotard-y tonight at all... i am still thinking about Rimbaud... i love you Rimbaud. "now i am accursed, i detest my native land. the best thing is a drunken sleep, stretched out on some strip of shore." i need to get into poetry. "Tand, Tand... Ist das Gebilde von Menschenhand." goodnight for meow :)
