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enterthemirrorrare double issue today! i'm very tired and should be asleep but i feel veryyy dramatic and emotional for some reason. i want to try to be less emo in this post. it will probably be somewhat short as i'm not much in the mood to talk about music or *pants* or anything... i don't know :p i guess i feel like if i write something down here before i go to bed i'll be a little less prone to get on my phone or overthink things or something.
i have felt very weird today in a pretty unpleasant way. driving me insane a little bit because i cannot tell how apparently offputting it is. i haven't spoken to many people today which i *guess* is nice seeing as i have been permanently slightly freaked out... but maybe speaking to more people would have fixed me sooner. i have sorta been overthinking how i have been sounding to people... i won't expand much because it's all entirely illogical and a little debasing to spell out. i hope this mood goes away--i don't think that's unrealistic, but i feel very confident that parts of it will remain and i don't like that. i don't reallyyy want to talk about what those parts are... not because they're especially awful or anything (i think they're actually pretty tame!), but just because they're embarrassing. don't worry--i'll inevitably say them at some point anyways, as i'm oft to do.
something strange; i feel like despite having very little control over emotional stuff, i've had very good control over, like, physical things! sleep is difficult i guess but that's always difficult. but i have been taking care of my face and teeth and everything which is nice. i can't say i don't have any dysfunction, especially as i have been refusing to do anything productive at all... but i enjoy refusing to work, despite the consequences, and it's surprisingly easy to rationalize. so maybe i don't have much dysfunction! eating is getting better i think. i am now at about 1 meal + some junk per day. i would rather get rid of the junk. i don't know why my eating has been so bad... i thought about it a little bit, because all of the therapy questionnaires seem to pose that i have poor eating habits because i have some kind of dysphoric body image problem. i don't think i do? i don't think the goal is beauty or anything (this may be untrue, because i realize i'd hate to gain any weight). i guess, like... this is going to be embarrassing to admit, but i scratch some itch somewhere by imagining simply wasting away. i will readily admit to erring towards romanticism--yes, looking half-dead and fainting dramatically are fun to imagine, as awful as it is to say that--but i think the biological bits are fun too. i know nothing about biology, but knowing nothing lets me come up with all sorts of probably incorrect ideas! i guess that is itself romanticism... i don't really know. i just like pretending like i'll eventually be damaging the structure of my brain (which is possible, you just have to be *much* worse off than i am).
anyways. i am loving this album right now. i'm glad my roommate has shut up his show. i am okay :) i feel like i have been worrying a lottt in the past day or two and it's not very fun. i've certainly been like this before but it feels pathetic and depressing so i am going to try to be normal. #BeNormal . okay i am very tired. time to try to actually sleep!!! thankfully it is not too late. tomorrow i am going to GET UPPPP and GO OUTTT and ... spend money, unfortunately ... it's okay. meow. mrrorwwww i got a message the other day from someone i had like a fleeting romantic relationship with but they're already GONE after a day!!! they need to come back because i know they'll let me let out some of my pathos in a controlled environment. i don't like how that sounded at all, ew. i promise i just mean they'll let me be... well, a little ... "pathetic", and even find it endearing! what wonders there are. at least i said pathos instead of "patheticness". okay, goodbye for meow :)
i have felt very weird today in a pretty unpleasant way. driving me insane a little bit because i cannot tell how apparently offputting it is. i haven't spoken to many people today which i *guess* is nice seeing as i have been permanently slightly freaked out... but maybe speaking to more people would have fixed me sooner. i have sorta been overthinking how i have been sounding to people... i won't expand much because it's all entirely illogical and a little debasing to spell out. i hope this mood goes away--i don't think that's unrealistic, but i feel very confident that parts of it will remain and i don't like that. i don't reallyyy want to talk about what those parts are... not because they're especially awful or anything (i think they're actually pretty tame!), but just because they're embarrassing. don't worry--i'll inevitably say them at some point anyways, as i'm oft to do.
something strange; i feel like despite having very little control over emotional stuff, i've had very good control over, like, physical things! sleep is difficult i guess but that's always difficult. but i have been taking care of my face and teeth and everything which is nice. i can't say i don't have any dysfunction, especially as i have been refusing to do anything productive at all... but i enjoy refusing to work, despite the consequences, and it's surprisingly easy to rationalize. so maybe i don't have much dysfunction! eating is getting better i think. i am now at about 1 meal + some junk per day. i would rather get rid of the junk. i don't know why my eating has been so bad... i thought about it a little bit, because all of the therapy questionnaires seem to pose that i have poor eating habits because i have some kind of dysphoric body image problem. i don't think i do? i don't think the goal is beauty or anything (this may be untrue, because i realize i'd hate to gain any weight). i guess, like... this is going to be embarrassing to admit, but i scratch some itch somewhere by imagining simply wasting away. i will readily admit to erring towards romanticism--yes, looking half-dead and fainting dramatically are fun to imagine, as awful as it is to say that--but i think the biological bits are fun too. i know nothing about biology, but knowing nothing lets me come up with all sorts of probably incorrect ideas! i guess that is itself romanticism... i don't really know. i just like pretending like i'll eventually be damaging the structure of my brain (which is possible, you just have to be *much* worse off than i am).
anyways. i am loving this album right now. i'm glad my roommate has shut up his show. i am okay :) i feel like i have been worrying a lottt in the past day or two and it's not very fun. i've certainly been like this before but it feels pathetic and depressing so i am going to try to be normal. #BeNormal . okay i am very tired. time to try to actually sleep!!! thankfully it is not too late. tomorrow i am going to GET UPPPP and GO OUTTT and ... spend money, unfortunately ... it's okay. meow. mrrorwwww i got a message the other day from someone i had like a fleeting romantic relationship with but they're already GONE after a day!!! they need to come back because i know they'll let me let out some of my pathos in a controlled environment. i don't like how that sounded at all, ew. i promise i just mean they'll let me be... well, a little ... "pathetic", and even find it endearing! what wonders there are. at least i said pathos instead of "patheticness". okay, goodbye for meow :)
