enterthemirror | all the pretty little horses

hiii bleh i feel a little sick. i was just talking to my very good friend for a few hours on the phone and it was really nice but i feel kinda awful afterwards. i feel like everybody i have been talking to has been saying so much about the future and i really don't like thinking about that sort of thing right now. it is so much more difficult with this friend in particular because i have known her for... maybe 8 or 9 years? it fucks me over so much to talk about things we'd like to do when i feel like i might not... be *around* for them. and i like the idea of them. i want to do them. i want these things to happen. i want to watch more bad movies with her and hang out and to visit her when she moves to the city and even to live on a hippie commune together but i need to remind myself that these things can't happen. it's so much more difficult because she was talking about her own things that she's dealing with and the thought of adding to that so drastically is just too much for me to even speak about. it's horrible. i thought i had gotten over all of these emotional things but this really affects me after having spoken to her. at least i will hear from her and speak to her and hopefully see her again over the next few weeks. i don't know how to broach the subject of my mental health to her because she isn't at all aware of how bad it's gotten but i feel like she deserves to know. i am afraid of telling her too much. maybe i'm underestimating her. she can clearly handle a lot, but i don't know. i don't want her to worry about me but if there was ever anyone that deserves to know about the realities of what may be happening to me it would be her. i just don't know how she'd respond. and i don't know how i'd tell her.

i don't know. i need to think clearly. i need to not be emotional over all of this. i didn't go to therapy today too, fuck. it's probably a good thing because i wouldn't be able to say anything anyways. i think this'll have to be it for now. goodnight for meow :(