consider my organs farmed
Friday, January 9th, 2026 08:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enterthemirrorhiiii very tired. posting this on my home computer. i am back from montreal. it was . . . okay . . . i liked some parts more than others. fell into a bad depressive spell which lasted a few days but i managed to rally at the end and saw a good hockey game (habs v panthers). i like hockey. it'd be nice to actually follow it and know what is happening all the time instead of every once in a while. then i could chat with people about it and be Cool.
my ear has been bothering me again. oh, well. i have accepted that the cost of being afraid of doctors is inexplicably not being able to hear very well for a while. it's improved a little though and hopefully it will go away entirely after i sleep on it. if it doesn't... guess i'll die :p i should talk about school a little because it's kinda been The Big Thing! not really in a good way. to sum up without embarrassing myself: had a vvv bad depressive period last semester and essentially gave up on all my classes because i was convinced i was going to kill myself. up until, like, last week i still thought i was going to! this means i did V ery Badly because i didn't do any of my finals really but because all my professors are Gs (humanities ftw) it may not actually be that bad. i just have one paper to make up for a class i was doing amazingly in until i fell off a cliff. when i go back in... two days... i will have to take it somewhat easy. i have not really spoken to anyone about this and i am afraid of looking like i can't "hack it" or something silly like that. it's embarrassing to do poorly. sometimes i wish i could complain more about my mental state in order to justify a poor performance in something, but... i don't like complaining about mental health. a few times in the past few weeks i tried to do the whole "I'm soooo #Depressed" thing just to see if it would do anything at all. did not! i don't know why people do it. i cannot attention seek properly. anyways. my parents (mostly my mother) are (is) tacking on things i am to do when i'm back in school (get a more consistent therapy thing, maybe do outpatient stuff) which is preferable to the alternative which was taking a leave of absence and doing inpatient stuff for a few weeks and then being home for the rest of the semester. that would kill me. they aren't even entirely aware of how suicidal i have been and i fear slightly if they were then they would be more keen on not having me go back. honestly, though, my parents have been okay. i have been nearly inoperable for weeks and they've done a fair amount of bureaucratic stuff *for* me which i should be thankful for because i would have been entirely unable to do it myself. anyways.
my hands hurt from typing but i wanna keep going. i've been reading on my kindle lately. i know it's an amazon product but i haven't seen any good alternatives and thankfully i can load my own pdfs/epubs onto it. i was doing non-fiction for a while (endnotes) but i just started some fiction (man's fate andre malraux) and i have surprisingly been liking it a lot. i'm already like a third of the way through. i admit i could be reading a lot more than i currently have been, but this is already a huge upgrade. i've gone from hardly reading at all to consistently reading every few days, and reading just 1 or 2 books at a time instead of randomly picking one out of 50 that i'm interested in and then never picking it up again. endnotes has gotten slower after finishing that Dauvé essay. Théorie Communiste's essay is a bit of a slog but it is making a bit of sense. i have not entirely come around to their critiques of Dauvé but i think i see where they're coming from, which is a start! after this, i don't know where i'll go. i could just read other Endnotes editions, but... eh... i feel like i need something else. i've been so obsessed with all this ultra-gauche stuff that i don't really want to abandon it, yet, and reading anything "historical" feels a little too dry for me even though i want to read a little about Years of Lead italy. philosophy? i don't know. i'm a horrible philosophy student. maybe i'll try Hegel again. Man's Fate has been surprisingly good, though. lots of good lines, very interesting story, interesting characters, moral complexities. plenty of French assholes who i already dislike. i disagree with its conception of Marxism, but after all, it's just the characters speaking, not Malraux (although he probably agrees with them), and i love the setting so very much. i know nothing about the '20s Shanghai Commune so this is a really fun piece of hist-fic. i'm getting through it pretty fast... i don't know what i'll read afterwards! i saved Journey to the End of the Night but i don't know if i'll enjoy it all that much. i *was* reading The Tartar Steppe a year or so ago but fizzled out a few dozen pages in... maybe try and finish that? who knows.
anyways. rambling a lot. meow meow meow. i should stop, this post is already long enough and i don't want to give myself carpal tunnel. OH maybe i will read more poetry after Man's Fate! yes yes. i am due by now. i love Rimbaud but i am getting awfully one note bringing him up aaaall the time. okay. meow. i love you dear reader. goodnight for meow :)
my ear has been bothering me again. oh, well. i have accepted that the cost of being afraid of doctors is inexplicably not being able to hear very well for a while. it's improved a little though and hopefully it will go away entirely after i sleep on it. if it doesn't... guess i'll die :p i should talk about school a little because it's kinda been The Big Thing! not really in a good way. to sum up without embarrassing myself: had a vvv bad depressive period last semester and essentially gave up on all my classes because i was convinced i was going to kill myself. up until, like, last week i still thought i was going to! this means i did V ery Badly because i didn't do any of my finals really but because all my professors are Gs (humanities ftw) it may not actually be that bad. i just have one paper to make up for a class i was doing amazingly in until i fell off a cliff. when i go back in... two days... i will have to take it somewhat easy. i have not really spoken to anyone about this and i am afraid of looking like i can't "hack it" or something silly like that. it's embarrassing to do poorly. sometimes i wish i could complain more about my mental state in order to justify a poor performance in something, but... i don't like complaining about mental health. a few times in the past few weeks i tried to do the whole "I'm soooo #Depressed" thing just to see if it would do anything at all. did not! i don't know why people do it. i cannot attention seek properly. anyways. my parents (mostly my mother) are (is) tacking on things i am to do when i'm back in school (get a more consistent therapy thing, maybe do outpatient stuff) which is preferable to the alternative which was taking a leave of absence and doing inpatient stuff for a few weeks and then being home for the rest of the semester. that would kill me. they aren't even entirely aware of how suicidal i have been and i fear slightly if they were then they would be more keen on not having me go back. honestly, though, my parents have been okay. i have been nearly inoperable for weeks and they've done a fair amount of bureaucratic stuff *for* me which i should be thankful for because i would have been entirely unable to do it myself. anyways.
my hands hurt from typing but i wanna keep going. i've been reading on my kindle lately. i know it's an amazon product but i haven't seen any good alternatives and thankfully i can load my own pdfs/epubs onto it. i was doing non-fiction for a while (endnotes) but i just started some fiction (man's fate andre malraux) and i have surprisingly been liking it a lot. i'm already like a third of the way through. i admit i could be reading a lot more than i currently have been, but this is already a huge upgrade. i've gone from hardly reading at all to consistently reading every few days, and reading just 1 or 2 books at a time instead of randomly picking one out of 50 that i'm interested in and then never picking it up again. endnotes has gotten slower after finishing that Dauvé essay. Théorie Communiste's essay is a bit of a slog but it is making a bit of sense. i have not entirely come around to their critiques of Dauvé but i think i see where they're coming from, which is a start! after this, i don't know where i'll go. i could just read other Endnotes editions, but... eh... i feel like i need something else. i've been so obsessed with all this ultra-gauche stuff that i don't really want to abandon it, yet, and reading anything "historical" feels a little too dry for me even though i want to read a little about Years of Lead italy. philosophy? i don't know. i'm a horrible philosophy student. maybe i'll try Hegel again. Man's Fate has been surprisingly good, though. lots of good lines, very interesting story, interesting characters, moral complexities. plenty of French assholes who i already dislike. i disagree with its conception of Marxism, but after all, it's just the characters speaking, not Malraux (although he probably agrees with them), and i love the setting so very much. i know nothing about the '20s Shanghai Commune so this is a really fun piece of hist-fic. i'm getting through it pretty fast... i don't know what i'll read afterwards! i saved Journey to the End of the Night but i don't know if i'll enjoy it all that much. i *was* reading The Tartar Steppe a year or so ago but fizzled out a few dozen pages in... maybe try and finish that? who knows.
anyways. rambling a lot. meow meow meow. i should stop, this post is already long enough and i don't want to give myself carpal tunnel. OH maybe i will read more poetry after Man's Fate! yes yes. i am due by now. i love Rimbaud but i am getting awfully one note bringing him up aaaall the time. okay. meow. i love you dear reader. goodnight for meow :)
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Date: Monday, 12 January 2026 02:22 am (UTC)yes i have been doing that for a while. sometimes dear reader is, like, totally a made up entity. but whenever i said "i love you dear reader" it was absolutely about you qwq