![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
too unkempt to meow
Saturday, November 22nd, 2025 05:29 pmhellooo i had an okay day but i am very tired. i even took a ~2 hour nap and i am stillll very tired. i don't really have much to talk about--i feel slightly emo again out of nowhere and it's very annoying and i feel like i should at least write something down about it. i am deathly afraid of just rambling or getting like clearly worked up over it but i kinda want to??? i don't know.
i hate these sorts of in-between moods where i can think a lot about killing myself but i won't, like, actually do anything about it. at the very least, the last time i felt this way i physically could have done it if i wasn't afraid--this time i'm too tired and too comfortable and if those are the things inhibiting me from doing anything about it i feel like it'll never happen. and i hate that thought! i hate not feeling in control of this sort of thing. i hate feeling like i can't spiral or self harm or kill myself if i really want to. i wouldn't even do it all the time even if i knew i *could* do it all the time. probably. blehblehbleh. i don't know what to do right now, either. i think i just want to get worse and that limits my options. it would be nice if i could just do all the things i hate doing (which i am doing a very good job at doing right now) and that would like... tip the scales that let me kill myself, but unfortunately i am just doing the things i hate doing and still not killing myself. i don't want to do things that i enjoy or things that are good for me because mayyybe if i make the situation worse enough things will happen easier. obviously not eating even though i am hungry won't make me kill myself tomorrow but idk maybe i will faint and fall off a cliff.
i don't know. blehhhh. i don't like how i sound in this one. if i saw someone else sounding like this i'd call them... idk!!! some rude word. sorry, dear reader, for making you listen to all this. i think it's just because i don't really have the opportunity to say these things?? dunno. also why say "listen" when "read" is more accurate? i always do that. okayyy. i am going to... i don't know again qwq. figure it out??? i'm going to figure out what i am going to do. goodbye for meow :)
i hate these sorts of in-between moods where i can think a lot about killing myself but i won't, like, actually do anything about it. at the very least, the last time i felt this way i physically could have done it if i wasn't afraid--this time i'm too tired and too comfortable and if those are the things inhibiting me from doing anything about it i feel like it'll never happen. and i hate that thought! i hate not feeling in control of this sort of thing. i hate feeling like i can't spiral or self harm or kill myself if i really want to. i wouldn't even do it all the time even if i knew i *could* do it all the time. probably. blehblehbleh. i don't know what to do right now, either. i think i just want to get worse and that limits my options. it would be nice if i could just do all the things i hate doing (which i am doing a very good job at doing right now) and that would like... tip the scales that let me kill myself, but unfortunately i am just doing the things i hate doing and still not killing myself. i don't want to do things that i enjoy or things that are good for me because mayyybe if i make the situation worse enough things will happen easier. obviously not eating even though i am hungry won't make me kill myself tomorrow but idk maybe i will faint and fall off a cliff.
i don't know. blehhhh. i don't like how i sound in this one. if i saw someone else sounding like this i'd call them... idk!!! some rude word. sorry, dear reader, for making you listen to all this. i think it's just because i don't really have the opportunity to say these things?? dunno. also why say "listen" when "read" is more accurate? i always do that. okayyy. i am going to... i don't know again qwq. figure it out??? i'm going to figure out what i am going to do. goodbye for meow :)
