and thus he continues till the light of dawn shines

i feel horribly horribly ill. i'm having trouble coming up with things to say but i think this is a good ritual before bed even though i would rather not talk now. i watched another movie and made good conversation and everyone i know will be around again tomorrow so i can talk to them again. still thinking about the nice call i had with my friend the other day. i don't want to think about suicide any more because i've gotten to the point where it no longer makes for good jokes or trite conversation but just makes it difficult to do things. i'm deliberately doing things which are making it worse and it's sickening. it is so overwhelming tonight i'm only glad it's too late and cold to do anything. been taking care of face + laundry + room. hope to shower in the morning tomorrow. so horribly ill. i hope there will be enough to distract myself tomorrow. horribly, horribly ill