hello dear reader. i waited to get reallyyy tired and comfortable in bed before deciding to roll over and get my laptop so i could make a blogpost. fun! surely all this blue light won't do anything to me. :3. i really am tired though. i'm a little emo but too tired to, like, reallyyy put my heart in it... the most i can do is romanticizing suicide but WHO WANTS TO HEAR THAT. cough. nothing fun has really gone on so far. like, there are things i have enjoyed, but they're not really great subjects of conversation, you know? the most notable thing is i went catatonic for like a day and refused to speak or move or eat or drink or anything. and that wasn't really enjoyable :(

been listening to lots of music, which i guess is fun. it's all been metal stuff which is a little... eh... i'd like to listen to more fun happy joyous music but it eludes me currently. i'm too tired to even give a good ramble on *music* which is, like, my forte. EW while i was making a topster i heard like a mouse in the wall next to me. IM SCARED. i'm an adult i'm not scared.



ok hi topster. there is more black metal that i have been listening to it is just not here because it's a lot of different albums and i haven't been listening to them very critically. some of them are undoubtedly a little sketch but i download it all illegally anyways and i've been being a good leftist and reading lots of Dauvé (when i can. is this an oxymoron?) so i don't really care very much. too tired to do a big analysis. ummm classical screamo classical, likeee indie rock i guess (!) black metal black metal, and video game ost (i'm so sorry) black metal black metal. there's your abridged analysis.

anywayssss i do kinda wanna romanticize suicide, but like... this is not the time or place. i don't reallyyy think i should get into that kind of thing at all but i do really wanna. i would like to lie to myself and say that voicing it here will make me less likely to think about it but the opposite will actually happen. i don't knowwww bleh. i also obviously don't wanna be concerning and that is kinda a concerning thing to do qwq. can't i just have a little fun? i'm so fun. :3. bleh okay i really am tired. goodnight for meow dear reader :) okay before i go to bed i want to say i read a little more and now i am not thinking of killing myself. just tired. and my lips are chapped. okay goodnight for realsies :)

hello. my internet is nonfunctional so i am doing this on my computer using my phone's hotspot. the wonders of technology! i feel very achieved today but also not great. i showered for the first time in... probably much too long. i shaved too so now i don't look insane. for some reason lots of things have been happening on last.fm... got to recommend someone music which is fun. now i am listening to old albums i haven't listened to since i downloaded them. i'm very sleepy and kinda loopy and rambly. i have to be up tomorrow for a haircut--i didn't choose to do this but i guess i'm glad it's happening. i look a little shit.

this w hole internet thing is really bothering me!!! it's horrible. i'm assuming this provider throttles internet after a certain time of day which is simply evil. did i fuck something up? i haven't pirated anything. why do we have *no internet*? i want to reread funeral rites. blame death in june!

"Riton would surely be killed the next day, but before that he would bump off quite a lot of Frenchmen. He was in love.
'Those damn jerks. What the hell are they to me, they're just a bunch of idiots. I'm going to bump a few of them off....'
With, as it happens, that same right hand. He made the movement, despite himself, of pulling a trigger with his forefinger. His pinky struck the cloth-to have done so was to knock at the door of darkness and see that darkness open onto death, and it was with a closed fist that he remained there, first making its pressure light and then gradually letting it sink by its own weight into the moss."

"..to have done so was to knock at the door of darkness and see that darkness open onto death..." christ, relax, Genet, it's just a pair of men's underwear. he's so right, but still.

what was i going to say. oh, i am going to do medication again. i don't know how i feel about it. i hate psychiatrists. i spoke to one today and i still hate them. i feel like i sounded like an asshole speaking to them but i can hardly care. it doesn't matter. interfacing in this clinical manner makes me sound like an asshole even if i don't have any animosity at all (but in this case, i do).

"'Are you scared?'
With his whole inner being trembling, that being which vainly sought, by fleeing, to drag along the flesh-and-blood being whose prisoner it was, Paulo replied, with a lump in his throat, "No."
The sonority of the word and the strange sound of his own voice made him more aware of the danger that lies in daring to enter dreams with one's actual flesh and blood, to have a private conversation with the creatures of night--a night of the heart that was poured out over Europe--with the monsters of nightmares.
...
Nevertheless, I smiled. I was awaiting death. I knew it was bound to come, in violent form, at the end of my adventure. For what could I desire in the end? There is no rest from conquest; one enters immortality standing up. I have already considered every possible kind of death, from the death by poison that an intimate friend pours into my coffee to being hanged by my people, crucifixion by my best friends, to say nothing of natural death amidst honors, brass bands, flowers, speeches, and statues, death in combat, by stabbing, bullets, but above all I dream of a disappearance that will astound the world. I shall go off to live quietly on another continent, observing the progress of, and the harm done by, the legend of my reappearance among my people. I have chosen every sort of death. None of them will surprise me. I have already died often, and always in splendor."

this is how Genet describes two people about to have gay sex (well... gay sex with some baggage). do you see why i am the way i am, yet? (joke.)

okay, well, i'm a weird kind of emo today. i'm just wicked tired :( i should sleep but i'm hungry. ouhhhgh. ough ough ough <- seal sfx. i take so much pleasure in opening the Discord yearly wrapped thing and seeing it say it doesn't have anything for me because i enabled certain privacy settings. who in their right mind wants a "Discord Wrapped"? the advent of the "wrapped" is anti-human. i don't know if i can articulate this, let alone believe in it, but it feels fun to say. i don't want to leave yet :( i like talking here! even if i feel like i am saying very little. rahjjhh,, i really don't wanna go. if i never post this i will never have to leave.

"It is fair to say that the room of a bedridden invalid is just the right place for gradually rediscovering childhood lewdness." (bataille)

"DYSART: Too conventional, for him. Finding a religion in Psychiatry is really for very ordinary patients." (shaffer)

"'Each Eyiguayegui sees himself,' he wrote, 'as an Atlas who bears, not only upon his hands and shoulders but upon his whole body, the weight of a clumsily charted universe.' And this may, indeed, explain the exceptional character of Caduveo art: that it makes it possible for Man to refuse to be made in God's image." (levi-strauss)

"Striptease - at least Parisian striptease - is based on a contradiction: Woman is desexualized at the very moment when she is stripped naked. We may therefore say that we are dealing in a sense with a spectacle based on fear, or rather on the pretence of fear, as if eroticism here went no further than a sort of delicious terror, whose ritual signs have only to be announced to evoke at once the idea of sex and its conjuration." (barthes)

"'General, if upon your ruined ramparts a single cannon yet remains, bombard us with clods of earth. Strike shop mirrors! Sitting rooms! Feed our cities dust. Coat gargoyles in rust. Fill boudoirs with fiery, ruby ash...'" (rimbaud)

"But in his person, the two revolts, the two insurrections merge, they direct all his behaviour, they govern all his actions, even the most trivial, during his four-year reign.
His insurrection is systematic and sagacious and he directs it first against himself." (artaud)

hiii bleh i feel a little sick. i was just talking to my very good friend for a few hours on the phone and it was really nice but i feel kinda awful afterwards. i feel like everybody i have been talking to has been saying so much about the future and i really don't like thinking about that sort of thing right now. it is so much more difficult with this friend in particular because i have known her for... maybe 8 or 9 years? it fucks me over so much to talk about things we'd like to do when i feel like i might not... be *around* for them. and i like the idea of them. i want to do them. i want these things to happen. i want to watch more bad movies with her and hang out and to visit her when she moves to the city and even to live on a hippie commune together but i need to remind myself that these things can't happen. it's so much more difficult because she was talking about her own things that she's dealing with and the thought of adding to that so drastically is just too much for me to even speak about. it's horrible. i thought i had gotten over all of these emotional things but this really affects me after having spoken to her. at least i will hear from her and speak to her and hopefully see her again over the next few weeks. i don't know how to broach the subject of my mental health to her because she isn't at all aware of how bad it's gotten but i feel like she deserves to know. i am afraid of telling her too much. maybe i'm underestimating her. she can clearly handle a lot, but i don't know. i don't want her to worry about me but if there was ever anyone that deserves to know about the realities of what may be happening to me it would be her. i just don't know how she'd respond. and i don't know how i'd tell her.

i don't know. i need to think clearly. i need to not be emotional over all of this. i didn't go to therapy today too, fuck. it's probably a good thing because i wouldn't be able to say anything anyways. i think this'll have to be it for now. goodnight for meow :(

hello all. feeling kinda blehhh... currently having some issues with things. i don't think i'll be able to do anything too bad in the next few weeks because i will be with immediate family and i think that will surely keep me from anything drastic and maybe even improve my mood a little. the immediate moment consists of me doing poorly and making exceedingly bad decisions. i don't really want to think or talk about them, though, so i'm going to talk about music because it's been bringing me lots of joy lately which doesn't always happen.



i'll look at all these albums in order because i want to talk but not about anything serious. okay... in order.

1 - a night created by the shadows: the version i have been listening to isn't remastered, to my knowledge, but is bundled with a live set in Rotterdam which is pretty good but i don't like it as much as the demo. the live set is recorded very well--so well, in fact, that you can't hear the audience at all because it's a soundboard recording. i think that makes it a little stiff! anyways, that's not on *this* demo. i like it. straight ahead mid 90s raw black metal.

2 - written with the heart's blood: i don't actually listen to much shostakovich, but my friend mentioned him a few times and i randomly came across this album and thought it had a great title and cover and so i listened. has a v good version of his string quartet no. 8, which i actually already know and like a lot, and some other pieces which i don't already know but still like. shostakovich certainly won't dethrone satie (who i have *still* been listening to, actually moreso than anyone else this week, but who has omitted in this topster for the sake of variety), but this is a very good album nonetheless.

3 - seven chalices: not much to say about this one. i don't feel much in the mood for it right now so it's hard to fawn over... a pretty good blackened death album which definitely fills the void of "not quite emotional enough for black metal, not quite motivated enough for d-beat, but i still want something loud and fast and very angry which i can listen to while i focus on something else".

4 - love is blue: very pretty album. longet is essentially whispering the whole time and it's very cute and twee and just... idk. not twee and cute in a dumb way. in a sophisticated way! it sounds well put together. this album is like a really nice summer dress from the 60s or a tasteful flower arrangement where you're really only struck by how well it's put together after simply appreciating it for its aesthetics. does this make sense?

5 - the smile sessions: i have honestly never been able to get into the beach boys besides this album. and this album is perfect! it's all you need. it is like... counter to the last analogy i just made. you appreciate this album for how well it's put together pretty much as soon as you hear it. and it's fucking pretty! love you, brian wilson. it's like... if Love Is Blue is a Matisse, smile is like a Klimt. is it?!?!?! maybe... Goncharova? i really like Goncharova as representing Smile. but that one Matisse of the flowers and the window kinda works for some songs on Smile, too... ugh, who cares.

6 - he who jumps...: this is, like, only an EP, but i still like it. haven't listened to it much in the past few days so i have less to say. really good blackened screamo stuff which i can't get enough of. i feel like "blackened screamo" is so nebulous and really means nothing... but this gets close to what i'm looking for, and very albums have done this so far, so it gets props. also, it's a godard quote!

7 - doomed from the start: doom gets me in a real mood. love them. i guess this is going to sound a little extra, but... when i listen to this album i feel like it really gets me. Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing will always be amazing at this, and i will always call it the best, but something about doom... these demos in particular. it feels more primal than discharge. it just makes me feel a real emotion that other records fail to do.

8 - the natural bridge: i have been listening to this record sooo much. it's one of those things... i was reading a review for the film The Fire Within where someone said it's "not a depressing movie"... this is the sort of intellectualism i hate. no, things can be what they are at first inspection. this can be true. i was reading about The Natural Bridge and apparently some of the comments on it when it first came out were that it didn't sound like a sad album. what the fuck?? this is one of those albums where, in this case, David Berman is giving me the most unadorned portion of his soul and i tremble at the idea of forming my own thoughts on it, relatively weak and unformed. it's just... it's so good. it's so beautiful. he was such a genius and this album drives me insane and if i were to die i'd want everyone to know that this album made me less afraid.

9 - his majesty: um... Svartsyn again... how do i follow the last summary... idk... good album... good black metal... yeah...

anyways. i did leave out Satie but he's on again right now, and christ he's fucking good. i feel like this is the sort of moment you look back on and judge yourself for on the basis of teenage pretension, like... last week i walked around in the cold smoking a cigarette to a gnossienne and that's such a vomit-worthy statement, but... it's *good*! i cannot lie--walking around in the cold smoking a cigarette to one or two gnossiennes is fucking perfect. and then i got kissed on the lips after! like... judge me if you want for such frivolity, but i do it for a reason. anyways.

my current state is..... ehhghhh. i won't get into it. i'm not in any danger or anything, to be clear. as i said, soon i think i'll be thoroughly out of dangerous territory while i'm with family, because they're practically already a psych ward. but i have been thinking about it. i don't really know what to do in the case of being frighteningly suicidal... i already had a somewhat close call the other day and i realize that i have been actively trying to, like, mentally "get over" the things that stopped me from actually going through with it, which isn't good. i have too many things at my disposal and as i go back to my house i'll probably end up bringing sharps back with me. all of this has led me to think about whether or not checking myself into the hospital at some point would be good or bad for me... and i don't really see what good it'd do. i think maybe i'd have some positive placebo, but nothing would really change. i don't know what it could offer me besides a near-guarantee that i *won't* do anything, but that obviously doesn't last forever, as i have to leave eventually. i think i'd refuse medication, and i hate the idea of interfacing with social workers or psychiatrists or therapists because i'll simply ignore their advice. i don't want to talk with other suicidal people because if they're better off than me i'll resent them and if they're worse off than me i'll pity them. if they're just as bad as me maybe we'll fall in love. ha ha, joke. i almost just want to be able to use it as an excuse. "yes, i did horribly in all of my classes, but i was so depressed that i had to go to the hospital." it doesn't really matter at all because it won't change anything. i don't really know.

i only really talk to one person about this, that person being the person i'm dating, which feels a little unfair to them. well, i talk to my therapist, too. there are like... two people i know who i would talk to about it, but one of them i don't regularly talk to about emotional things and it frightens me a little to imagine starting. they are also in most respects totally normal. i don't really want to burden this very regular person with what i have going on. i don't think they'd not understand me or anything... my problem is not that i feel it'd be unpleasant to talk to them because they don't have the same problems i do and thus cannot understand them. i just think it'd be very frightening to them if i told them everything. the other person is very nice and i could probably actually talk to them about this sort of thing but i only really have congenial funny friend conversations with them and i don't want to make those more difficult. who else... i don't know! i don't know many other depressed people, that's the thing. i have plenty of people to talk to, but not about issues like this. i had a great conversation with someone about romantic things and i also got to talk a little bit about OTHER things that were very serious! and it was genuinely very nice to say some things out loud with them because they understood really well. they weren't ashamed to talk about their own life and SA they've experienced, and in a very casual and non therapy-speak way which i always like, and that made me feel more okay talking about my own life. i promise they weren't playing therapist even though it sounds like that, qwq. okay, i'm starting to actually really ramble now because i'm tired and this has been wicked long. i need to hang up the hat here. goodnight for meow :)

hello. in class currently but still feel like posting. interesting moods lately! some things have been going v well for me. and i'm very happy over them :) unfortunately i still feel bleh which is not fun. i would rather devote myself entirely to being happy over the good things that are happening but being bleh still slips in there. and it's a pretty awful bleh! i was talking to a friend and he seemed interested in talking about how i am which was very nice of him. i like him a lot honestly he's always very nice about this sort of thing. there is some natural difficulty in talking about how i am good as well as how i am bad... but i'll power through it probably. i feel very bad for still being suicidal, especially when i'm now talking to someone and having some sort of relationship, as if i'm not meant to feel this way right now... but i feel there isn't much i can do about it. i feel less bad about self harm especially because i still haven't done it and it's not as bad for me as suicide would be. anyways! sorry for not talking about the good thing as much. i really do like it :) it's horribly frightening and sickening and makes me shake and get lightheaded and forget to breathe but all good things should do this to me. i like it a lot. i'll ramble about it soon. i can't make this too long because i'm supposed to be paying attention right now. goodbye for meow :)

hello dear reader!! feeling slightly ill. i don't think i'm *actually* ill... but i feel ill. had an okay day. woke up way too late. had sorta unfavorable experiences with people today bar a few nice conversations. bleh. not much to talk about. i think generallyyy, i'm... certainly feeling worse than yesterday, but not horrible. but not good. i don't really know what to do... bleh... i forget if i ate or not today but i'm not really very hungry. i don't know. i think it may actually be slightly horrible qwq. hopefully i'll be slightly better tomorrow. i think i'm never getting those razors which i hatehatehate. i'm just going to end up buying them again :( i had a nice conversation about music today though. this person has a pretty similar taste as me which is fun! we don't talk incredibly often but they're nice. and of course i saw my friend at ballet which i didn't note yesterday because i was very late and saw little of it. it was nice. i didn't get to talk very much because i was a little dead and they had just finished doing ballet for like an hour. i am a littleee sad about that but not overwhelmingly (?). someone has been trying to be very nice to me and i don't know how to explain to them that it makes me feel astronomically more self-injurious. it's a bit of a pain but it's okay. i feel angsty thinking about it--but i'm very tired of talking to people about things they have no understanding of! i guess that's a very animal concern we all have. i don't really know. i feel like everything's starting to get a little more dire. but it's okay :) meowmeowmeow. i have been thinking about not doing therapy any more because i feel like it doesn't have very much more to offer me but i feel that'd set off some alarm somewhere. i don't know. i did up my last.fm the other day, if you count changing your profile picture and bio as doing something up. i liked doing that. i don't like being too vulnerable on here but i think i am a little scared. bweh i wish i could say that sort of thing and not have anyone read into it any sort of way. i just want to say it! and not have anyone else listen but still be able to say it. i know that you, dear reader, will cover your ears whenever i ask. pretend your ears were covered, now uncover them. goodbye for meow :)

hiii im tired and slightly braindead. i want to sleep but its too early. its wednesdayyy yayyy tomorrow is thursdayyyy then im done for the weekkkkkk hoorayyyy. i have a paper to write :( i should start thinking about it tomorrow :( i actually have TWO papers to write :((((((((( one is due much later than the other so thats good. my fingers smell like cigarettes and i want to put them down somebody's throat. i am so tired sob i want a drink but there is nothinggg fun at my disposal. the best i can do is like. a 3 dollar pepsi. i want a monster energy kinda... had one a few days ago and it was yum and i miss it. tried a "celsius"... made up, evil drink. the monster i had wasn't even my favorite flavor!!! i do really want one. it's so cold out. my head hurts. blehrhfhhhh. therapy was kinda lame it was online (don't like) and i realized i didn't know what i wanted to say (don't like) and i realized i was just saying whatever i could to not talk about suicide the whole time (don't like). at least this person is obligated to listen to me being autistic about things. i haven't gotten my BLADES yet i don't want to bother the mail room to go fetch them for me but i seriously will soon. i haven't thought of where i will actually self harm now. it is too cold to go out and do it somewhere else and that would also be dangerous. but i am also not alone in here. i don't know. bweh . . . i'm so tired qwq. i downloaded this hugeee discography album but it's all out of order and it's too much work to organize it. my head hurts sooo bad tylenol save me. wehfhhhh tylenol save me. i don't want to go to classes tomorrow... OK shut up stop complaining this is getting pathetic. i need to self harm again soon i think it will make me normal. ok. goodbye for meow

so few posts recently! both in terms of what i have been reading & producing. i'm quite sleepy and it's midday which is not when i normally post but it's okay. i got cigarettes #Hooray i'm meant to wait for someone else before i actually open them but i know they're fat and succulent in there so i can't much wait. some SICK FREAK walked up to me in the library and pet me on the head and all i could say was "i don't know what to do". like a CRUEL VILLAIN they COMPLIMENTED ME in front of OTHER PEOPLE and i had to just SIT THERE. i felt VIOLATED (this is a joke). although now i'm thinking about being violated and repeatedly going "i don't know what to do". cough... what was i going to say? i remember this having a point. doing some work on this final GROUP project which seems evil. why must our final hinge on other people? seems very silly. i know exactly what i would have done if i did this myself. it would be a presentation (not a silly podcast, which is what my groupmates elected to do, because they're too afraid of doing a presentation) and it would be analyzing chinese-european cultural exchange through the lens of european philosophy and it would be fun and good and interesting. oh, the other thing! i didn't have therapy today unfortunately. but i'm having it tomorrow online, which i like less than in person, but that's okay. bleh it's actually a little annoying because i have a lot to talk about and it works much better IRL than over a meeting. i could call them today and reschedule but then it'll be on friday and that's also annoying... i can't tell which is better. i'm impatient. i think i'll just do it tomorrow. okay. i think that's it. bleh. i'm okay though. i kinda have nothing to do but work and this is testing my commitment to never working. i also ate which is unfortunate because now i feel sick. anyways. goodbye for meow !!! :D

hiiii shorter one because i took this, like, industrial strength prescription sleep aid thing so i will maybe pass out halfway through this. i'm happy though :) had a phone call with my very good friend and ugh i really love her. this is notable because i hate using the word love on people and we have both agreed that we don't like using it on each other even though people love saying they love each other... but i definitely love this person. as a friend. also it is funny i say "very good friend" because she literally said in the phone call "i know you hate being called best friend" and i said "no i have literally never said that" and she said "well you only ever call me your 'good friend'" and i think she sorta got me a little bit there. anyways.

watching like cable TV (that required a youtube TV login for some reason?) in this rental place and i like it because it is reminding me how good i have it with my pirated french films on demand. "the incredible hulk" is really truly bad. but it's a fun watch so who cares. i like being pretentious i am learning. i think it's okay to be a little pretentious if i can accept that bad things are fun (which i have always been able to do thanks to aforementioned friend making me watch free tubi movies and MST3K <- fucking nerd). okay i will be quiet now. lalala. that really cheered me up. thank you so much friend :) she didn't even CARE about the one important thing i wanted her to listen to me ramble about but i don't even care. she didn't care in a funny way so i don't mind. also i'm not good at being like genuine and stuff but she forced me into being genuine by being genuine at me so i was all sappy and stuff ugh having friends is so cool. not to fawn. okay goodnight i feel sleepy. i am going to keep this bad movie on because i need to know what happens to Mr Hulk. oh no he is in trouble!!! i wonder how hes going to be magically saved. lalala meowmeowmeow goodnight everything is going to be ok :)