il faut porter en soi un chaos pour pouvoir mettre au monde une étoile dansante

a shortie today. currently in a different state. i want cigarettes again so bad... i want cigarettes and to run away to a bridge and to climb up and to jump off. the problem is i have only ever received the one i ever had from a very good sympathetic friend who i had a weird sexual thing going on with (we didn't ever have sex, if that's what you're wondering, freak). this means i don't know how i'm meant to get them. also, they're like 11 dollars a pack. maybe i will see if i can't bother people to give me any. what can i do in exchange... i don't know. does anybody want me to cry while i suck their dick? or wherever else. i used to smoke these gross, like, clove cigarettes, which had tobacco in them and were still not good for you, but i really don't count them as "proper". no real reason. i just don't want to be someone who smokes clove cigarettes. what am i, in a magnetic fields song?? cough. i should kill myself while i am on this trip. wouldn't that be mysterious of me? cough again. i did not bring anything to self harm which is i guess a good idea... but how lame! one of these days i will probably leave and go walk around at night and go to that bridge and climb as high as i can and think about it again. why so #emo today??? why so #emo batman. also the person who was gone came back but apparently they're not doing very well so now i feel bad for talking about them so transactionally. i do hope they're doing well. last time i spoke with them they were talking about how they were talking to a new person and spoke about me to them often and i think that makes me happy. i genuinely cannot explain how this works in a coherent way... just believe me, this is not fucked, and is a reason to be happy. i don't think it's polyamory either. i don't really know what polyamory is.

anyways. i promise i won't kill myself. at first the frequency with which i thought about it was like... "get a hold of yourself emo boy" but now it's more genuinely annoying. i really do think i'm fine, though. i think i want to not be fine but i am actually fine. i also walked into a bar today and didn't get carded for some reason (look at me!) and chose not to do anything with this power because i am a mature adult. i also did not want to spend 20$ for some shitty show so i left. so that's a good thing! #straightedge. i'm unfortunately california straightedge i think. or just not straightedge. i'm like that doom song... i'm not strong enough... and i'm sorry! i love doom. i'm going to get back into d-beat. listening to discharge genuinely keeps me from killing myself even though i have definitely self harmed to them. ALCOHOL! slash reference. goodnight for meow :)

bleh it is not going amazing. feel like a moth pinned to a corkboard right now. i hate the idea of staying in this room any longer but i know the only alternative is hanging around in a building where i know i could hang myself whenever i want. sooo . . . idk. blehhghfhh. i feel like i'm getting worse at talking and being social and even just *understanding* social things, too!! idkidkidk. i'm not going to do anything bad but it is really appealing right now. my head hurts and my roommate is on the phone and the lights are on and i need to do something but everything i can think of will result in bad things. tomorrow i am going to go out and try to buy a new pair of pants which is better than stabbing people or killing myself <3 i do really want some new pants. i only have one pair of pants i really wear, and they're nice, but i could certainly do better. ok. i'm going to shut up soon. i want to watch a movie so badly but i feel unable to. all i want right now is an ibuprofen and a shirley temple and self harm and an orgasm and a movie in a dark room on a nice screen. i can do like... three of those things? i won't partake in any of them. goodbye for meow :)

hello!!! in a surprisingly good mood. had a surprisingly good day. hung out with peopleee and did fun hokey dumb stuff like caricatures and photobooths and things like that. had v blithe chat with people in the library and then had a vvv nice dinner later :D i like talking to people. this will be short because i have nothing to complain about. well, i do... my roommate has installed a completely garish rug and is now talking on the phone. the rug is SO garish i almost want to take a photo but i am absolutely not doing that. i assure you--it is a horrible shade of mint, forced me to move MY rug, and looks like it was made in a factory. my beautiful floorcloth, meanwhile, looks not only hand crafted, but is comparably a perfect size, and is shaded like an idyllic, placid lake. to counteract his speakerphone conversation i am listening to a deathcore album at a probably harmful volume. i don't like that i am enjoying deathcore albums... my hope is that they're so niche that they sound nothing like the products of the very popular normie bands. i can tell the volume is harmful because my ears loudly ring in the silence between every song. i hope he can hear it <3 i'm not even that mad!!! lalala.

anyways i said this would be short because it is. when i'm in a good mood i guess i ramble less!!! lots of fun music too blah blah blah meow goodbye for now dear reader :)

hi! short one because i am tired. been listening to lots of music. that's it. bye! avant-teen is such a shit phrase. my banner on the horizon--RYM will burn

really, though, that is the most notable thing. lotsss of new music which is fun because i was really in a rut for a while. lots of emo stuff, now! that sort of v classic 90s-early 00s stuff; i can't stand a lot of this sort of emo because the vocals often make it unbearable, but i've found a few bands with very good clean not annoying vocals. a diversion from the normal screamy stuff i'm into. i am so obsessed with some of it i almost want to share it... i don't want to. not in a gatekeeping way, but just because i don't want to ramble about it, sob.

also, i feel a little better, i think. it's slightly annoying because i went out with a friend today and he wouldn't stop commenting on like. how serious and depressed and joyhating i seemed. he wasn't being very serious and he was kinda right but also like... i don't want to come off that way! i don't like that all those things were brought up very much. i might be having weird mood swings because i find myself saying very embarrassing things and rambling way too much just as often as i find myself being all lame and emo and stuff. i also have been, like, slightly unserious about it, but i feel like i have been thinking about like violent nasty gorey killing people stuff too often. i don't often get into that sort of mood and it's like... get overrr yourself. anyways. no bad emo self harm things recently, but i do think about it every now and then. i think i can call myself "fine", though :) 

things have been very confusing lately in a sort of existential way? i won't get into it because it is... confusing (duh). idk. i hope i get out of it soon because it's weird!!! i'm okay, and this time i really do feel assured in that, but i think i need to stop thinking about things a little bit. because i am currently in, like, overthinking mode. tomorrow i (hopefully) have plans to go out to town or something, but if that fails, i'll try to figure out a hike or something nature-y because i miss going out and doing nature-y things quite a bit and this cold weather is great for bundling up and doing things like that. it is unfortunate i don't know anyone with a car who is also into taking long walks in the interminable cold... bleh, i'll figure it out. okay. i am going to hush now because i'm afraid of rambling qwq. edit... because... i shouldn't constrain myself!!! i should ramble if i want to. i like the idea of a walk but i just want to get in the forest immediately. i feel like walking through town for 15 min would kill my mood very quickly. maybe i will do the charles river trail? it's for both bikes and people so i'll be fine. the only people there will be crazy athlete bike people because it'll be chilly so it'll probably be nice. i wonder how much foliage will be left! i feel like i haven't even seen pretty autumn yet. i will be going up further north soon, so we'll see if there's any pretty autumn stuff left.

also, i'm looking at my watch later and i have lots of funny videos in here i forgot all about.

riot. fuck!

Watch on YouTube

i love this video. i love minette. i love the idea of a ruth etting impression (and i'm sure she did a v good one!). i want to believe i am the youngest person to laugh at a joke about the boswell sisters. i need to force people to listen to minette's music more often even if they hate it and hate me and think it's not entertaining at all.

Watch on YouTube

look at me, resizing and adding images! daring, aren't i? i'll fuck up the post with all these embeds and images and things, but i'm drunk with power.

pina menichelli, who i ramble about in the next paragraph. i know exactly what i will soundtrack the (silent) movies she was in with--gnossiennes, 100%. i wish there were 10 million gnossiennes. i love them sososo much, and for some reason i always associate menichelli with them. the music in this is also satie, but it's one of the gymnopedies. 

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bwehhhh i had a whole paragraph here but it got deleted because EMBEDDINGGG is so hard sob. i will try to recount it. i am so not in the mood to recount it... the things i do for you, dear reader. i have had a horrible desire... TEXT BASED RP. i think you'll sympathize with the reason--lately i've had a somewhat autistic impression with turn of the century stuff; the late gilded age, the belle epoque, italian actresses (you can guess who), etc. i hope this doesn't look lame, because it really has struck me lately and i just think it's so... i don't know. i just like it a lot! i want to write about it, or at least get in that sort of mood, but i absolutely don't trust myself to do creative writing. i would only embarrass myself even if it never left me. so... i think it being a two person affair makes sense! i have still sworn off internet RP because even if i wasn't simply morally opposed i know it would go poorly. if i could invent a person, i would invent someone who will write about la belle epoque with me. also, about pina menichelli! i know i am slightly autistically obsessed and that's okay. i keep saving images of her, which i feel like i need to explain away??? i promise i'm not weird. me and some friends are going to try and get posters printed next week, and i am certainly going to put her on one. again... not in a weird way... i'm just a fan!!! it does feel like a big step towards loserdom to watch silent films in my free time... but someone has to do it. (no, they don't.) okay. i guess i didn't say anything important in the original paragraph besides this! oh, i brought up drinking water. something to the effect of "i need to drink more water." goodnight for meow :) please don't fuck up, embeds, because i'll be really sad :(

hello dear reader. short one today to remind you and myself that i am alive. was motivated to make a topster which i haven't done in forever, so this is a small one for this week. no hierarchy to it besides what colors i thought looked good next to each other.



i have therapy tomorrow at 10, i think, so i should sleep soon!!! there have been a few changes in me world. i am not very much looking forward to therapy tomorrow because there has been a marked decline in near-everything since the last time i went... we'll see. it will go okay. had an immensely unpleasant time doing emo things today so hopefully i get over that experience by the time i go in tomorrow. i'm going to take melatonin anddd... youtube recommended has been failing me, so i don't know what i'll put on. ugh i hate the "depressed" mood. like... get a grip!!! i got a collar in the mail finally which is nice. i wore it out today which was fun... now to see if i keep doing it :p OK. goodbye for meow :)

hellooo dear reader i feel like i need to talk about something joyous to offset the general... dismal vibe... i have had going on. i don't know what to go for!!! i'm not sure if i'm joyous yet so let's go back to COMPLAINING which is what i do best.

hopefully by now it is clear i try not to gatekeep or be judgy or stuff. but christ can i at least make fun of my roommate for watching one of the Star Wars movies on his ipad at the age of 19 or however old he is? like... i don't know... i do just hate fun. i hate fun! i need to internalize this. FUCK fun. a slap in the face of public taste. you will read bad books and watch bad movies and listen to bad music and want to pull your hair out all the time and you will be better off for it. at least i have some outsider house techno stuff playing on my speaker to keep me sane, even though i can still hear the John Williams orchestral mind killer from the other side of the room.

this one will be brief but now i'm in the mood for more revelatory stuff about myself after talking about self harm. this one will be excessively short because it's embarrassing but hey i can't be a blank slate forever. unfortunately i believe in that philosophy shit so i must be perceived. okay so when i was younger... i don't like the word "groomed" because it is very severe... but i probably was surrounded by sex and very weird types of sex and very weird types of people into very weird types of sex at a time when i shouldn't have been at all. i feel like i still reckon with that all the time and it is very uncool. i hope other people also share this emotion because it is hard to describe--i both have this horrible revulsion towards sex... it grosses me out and reminds me of bad things, but i alsooo still have vestigial weird thoughts about weird types of sex and the two of them sort of play and mix all the time. shudder shudder. anyways.

unrelated: someone said i look like pina menichelli today. i consider this an attempt to make me transgender. raise the count to four.



okay, i should work. i've been putting work off so long and with such efficacy i actually feel more likely to not do it at all! that would be fun. not doing any work. wouldn't that be a dream... i can hear John Williams again. time to die (spoken in the replicant guy from Blade Runner's voice).

hello again dear reader. i've decided i can't manufacture a name for you that's any better than the one that came naturally. this will be a short post because i am currently out in the field (sitting in the library). i can't tell if it's a symptom of me being incredibly tired but i feel slightly insane?? i don't know. feel veryyy odd currently and i feel like i should document it in some way to prove i'm not crazy but that's also a bit of work. i am just so overwhelmingly tired... totally ate shit in my chinese class today and i am realizing howww behind i am. so. we'll see how that goes!

i'm currently figuring out something banal to do because anything that requires my brain won't do. i like the idea of forming a habit of coming to the library but i am like very afraid that i have some paranoia thing going on which i have never really had before. i won't detail it here because it's slightly embarrassing... idk!!! i'd much rather be alone right now i think but maybe it's good for me to just deal with being uncomfortable and weird. trial by fire or something??? idk. i am going to make myself eat. i understand this post has consisted of me being a loser in its entirety but HEY sometimes i need to loser out a little bit. i'm doing a dry run of going out looking like a gay loser today... dressed as gay loserly as i could fathom and it's going okay. i sure hope i am not harassed in a way that is distinctly erotic! i am so tired. i am going to make myself eat. I BOUGHT A JACKET TOO!!! ok i need to not spend any more money. goodbye for meow dear reader

helloooo everybodyyy this will be short because i am very tired. didn't do much today but i went out for halloween party stuffs and actually did not have an awful time!! people really wanted to chat with me which is fun. i enjoyed that. i was the recipient of, like, that one meme of the man talking to a disinterested woman at a baseball game, except the genders were reversed. they were also very keen on sending me emails which is fun. i think we should bring emailing back. then i had fun running around and blowing my horn (not euphemistic) with someone. it was actually slightly fun and like musical almost. hashtag performance art?

see: a party animal.


i also drank mildly which was good in that i feel like i care slightly less about everything but bad in that it tastes really awful. it is nice to care slightly less about things... but not worth the trouble. i do not think i will make this a habit. it was still nice to get out and chat with people and meet new people and make people laugh and laugh at what people say and yeah!!! idk. this is definitely a very silly ramble to anyone who is not a bit of a loser, but i enjoyed it very much as someone who doesn't go to these sorts of things. it is not all that bad to be perceived but who knew!!! i have lots of work i should be worrying about but it's late and i should not worry about that because the only thing worse than being "white boy drunk" (which i am not) is being "white boy drunk" and emotional.

see: anstoss.


i want to show more fox pictures but i think i am all foxed out. and very tired!!! i should sleep. my throat is also so hoarse but it's fine. i am glad i have no obligations tomorrow. after running around with miscreants i feel like doing mushrooms or something fun again but also i have enough to actually keep me busy. it's not that i think they're bad for me or it's an unhealthy impulse... i just think it's a lame, loserly impulse. anyways. oh i also had therapy today but it was mostly me talking about myself so nothing noteworthy. OK. goodnighttt alllllll i had funnnn people liked my costume which was so fucking validating. fuck u non-believers (mostly me). okay. goodbye for meow everyoneee meowwwmrowmrrorrowwwmrow

see: le meilleur, c'est un sommeil bien ivre, sur la grève.

my drug addict boyfriend (who people think was like 23. he was not grooming me that was other people) had this username like forever and i only just realized it is from the Supa Hot Fire rap battle. anyways! cold open today. i realized i was too emo yesterday to write a good blog post, so i'm doing it again. just by taking a cursory look at this blog, you may realize i am not *good* at blogging. i feel this is evident in the fact i don't know what to call you besides "dear reader". henceforth i'll be trying some stuff out and we'll see how it goes. i also don't know how inserting images works so we'll try that.

hello... i didn't think of a name for you yet. hello, you! i was just thinking about how it used to be *warm*. i can't remember that at all. i do actually like the cold---i bundled up a lot today and it was nice except i feel and look a little disheveled. but that's okay. had a Chinese midterm... i think i did... okay??? i feel like i crushed the written part, did okay on the little multiple choice reading response things, and threwwww the listening response because i didn't know THAT was also multiple choice. it's okay. i still have faith i will do good in that class but i was reading Baudelaire earlier and was like... why didn't i just do French?? i'm already like 10% able to read Baudelaire and 0% able to read anything in Chinese.

speaking of reading, i really do want to read more! chatted with someone briefly about some political lit and they seemed pretty knowledgeable and interesting and i actually want to talk to them more about like... random things because they seem nice (predictably, the stalinist took me to the side after our conversation and went "i really don't like them..."). i feel bad because i genuinely can't remember if they are transgender or not because i think it was brought up once and everyone just theythems... them. i really don't think this person goes by theythem exclusively, though!!! hopefully i don't look too horrible here, sob. she is very interesting and next time i encounter her (which neverrrr happens outside of club stuff unfortunately) i will have to talk more because we talked about Lyotard and the cover to Anti-Oedipus and Lukacs and Fisher. i don't think (more accurately, all i can say is that i don't *know* if) she's, like, gaga over all of them, but the fact that she knowsss who these people & things are is very fun and i'd make conversation with her over it even if she hates them JUST because she knows what they are. she probably knows more about them than me!!! also i got to talk about "can dialectics break bricks" for like 5 seconds yesterday LOL which was fun. did not expect people to have seen it but i guess it makes sense! i should rewatch it. my comfort maoist movie.



hm. i put a lot of thought into that and now i can't remember what i was going to say! i kinda like talking about banalities. people loved when Kafka did it. how many times have i seen posts of his journals where he's going They hate me or My stomach hurts or Masturbation frightens me? i need to say more things like this here. i'll talk about music!!! very banal. anyways i messaged EWWW this convenience store sushi is bad. i'm throwing it out after this. anyways. i messaged the drug addict boyfriend who i THINK is clean which is fun about this band i've been obsessed with. they have a very gay name but they're fun. "crimson evenfall"... my name is ebony dark'ness dementia crimson evenfall way... anyways they're a black metal band but they're the kind i like where they seem to only sing about magic and fantasy and hating christians and dorky shit as opposed to... looking and sounding like idiots (war metal, nsbm). a song called "throne of sorcery"? little scandinavian dweebs. they really are so good. i normally hate keyboards in BM as they always sound, just... bad and forced and as if they're included because they're *meant* to be cool. but they're simply not! they're fucking synths!!! despite this view, a few crimson evenfall songs have keyboards, and i feel like they're the *platonic ideal* of what keyboards in BM should be. there's this one called "searching the wisdom" (they're finns, forgive them) and it is actually so crushingly good. it's like four chords on a synth and it's just soooo good. i always feel a little embarrassed being into BM because i feel like the two paths are that you listen to nazi bands, or you're some sort of mass shooter. or both. i also do not want to associate with the nasty angsty sort of internet gen-z BM fans who listen to BSoD and stuff.

short paragraph. i really want to get this game but paypal fucking hates me so i guess i won't :( it seems so cool, too!!! i heard about it a few years ago and it seems to be unchanged since then which is a bit of a bummer because it is a v fun concept and it should continue to get love. it's called "world of horror" and it's like a junji ito rpg sort of thing? i don't like rpg games, but this one looks very fun and i need something i can pick up and put down very easily. i'll buy it later and install it and play it in anthropology class today.



this is getting too long i'm tired. i want to sleep. i cannot sleep yet. oughhh but i want to. just oneeee more class which i haven't done the reading for. it's funny---the professor was like... "we're moving into more contemporary works which i'm sure you're all excited for." no!!!! give me my shitty old books back. i feel like i actually understand the contemporary ones *less*. i'll do fine. surely qwq. OKAY ummm i still haven't thought of names to call you, dear reader. un jour je serai de retour près de toi. wait, that's a fun sign-off!! too much work to repeat every post. and i don't want to appear to be a francophile or something. there's already enough french on this blog. okay. un jour je serai blah blah blah goodbye for meow :D