il faut porter en soi un chaos pour pouvoir mettre au monde une étoile dansante

hello dear reader!!! or chat!!! i still don't know what to call you. it's been a few days. this may be short because i am quite sleepy! but i still thought i would say hi because i enjoy doing it and it's good to try and form habits and stuff.

my short little meeting with the counseling people went wellll and i had no trouble opening up about things which was good because i used to quite literally be unable to talk about the smallestttt things. i still feel that way sometimes! it's an interesting reversal---i used to not enjoy talking to therapists because i, like, hardly knew them, but now i feel fine with talking to them *because* i hardly know them. i will probably never encounter this person outside of the oneee space where i know i will encounter them. so that's nice! also they were just nice which was fun. they liked my vest which is a hashtag win.

i am a little sad because yesterday i was sooo happy with myself for having two, like, enjoyable & good & yum & hearty meals. i understand i'm throwing a lot of superlatives at the idea of eating two meals but i really did like them. but today i didn't have anything besides like... totally nonnutritious (this word seems to be more real than "nutritionless" because it's in merriam-webster) snacks!!! this is a bit lame but it's okay. tomorrow i will make up for it.

i started and finished a TV show which is fun. it was just the good place but i did like it. i might rewatch mr robot because it was a good show and i haven't seen it in a while. i am a little burnt out on watching movies because i've been finding them too severe... but mr robot is quite a severe show. i don't know. yeahhh i don't wanna rewatch it actually i'm remembering all the stuff that happens in that show. i need a show where everything is good all the time and there's no plot or anything. what shows are like that? i think house MD is like that, in a way. people only die like once a season. less than that, probably! i'm not a big house MD person though. it's for weird onliner people. in a way it exists just for people to make tumblr fan art of it. maybe something historic? chernobyl, maybe? i liked the first few episodes but never kept going. okay sorry this is really getting into banal water cooler level stuff. i just need something to put on to drown out the sound of my roommate watching instagram reels. i can't wear headphones because my hair is drying so preferably something that sounds very jarring and horrible. holy shit whatever is coming out of his phone is maybe the worst music i've ever heard. i will just watch something on my watchlist <3

okay goodbye for now dear reader. it is now 1 am ugh at least i have nothing to do tomorrow so i can stay up. OK THIS IS PISSING ME OFF A LITTLE ROOMMATE BE QUIET?? we're just going to do discharge or something for now to drown it out. actually i miss gloom we're going to do gloom. okay dear reader. goodbye for now for realsies. i forgot to meow in this message meow meow. GOODBYE FOR MEOW i forgot i did that

so very sleepy. walked furrr... i don't know how long. probably left at or before 5 and got back likeee 5-10 min ago. i need to do that more i was sooo fucking unbelievably emo when i left but it relaxed me so much. i'm sorta backsliding but during the walk proper it was v nice. the sun was already going down when i left and i should probably not do that because it was near-total darkness on the way back but it was so nice. i saw a little two-person sailboat get put to water or whatever you call it. when i got back they had also just gotten back on land!! so for 2/3rds of my whole walk they were out on some little miniature lake or oversized pond or whatever. i think that's a nice thought.

off-topic observation. i think my early warning system for me being emo (also i've never established. "me being emo" is shorthand for "I'd like to kill myself") is if i start having like absolutely insane thoughts on sex. thankfully i nipped them in the bud by going out and "touching grass" which apparently actually works?!??! anyways i won't elaborate qwq but i am documenting my observation for further analysis.

anyways. the terminus of my journey ended up being a kinda shitty sandwich/pizza place. i go in and place my order and have a soda because i like soda but never let myself drink it (how else am i meant to be as elated as that little german boy?). i gettt my order (really bad "greek" chicken wrap) and they kinda just... walk away... back to the kitchen... and i kinda just... leave without paying... so the journey was worth it even though the wrap was not good. maybe i'll make it a habit! i don't want to go out again today because i am so sleepy and i know i shouldn't let myself end up getting emo again but i have been in the presence of my roommate for like two minutes total and it's already grating. sooo we will see. bleh it's not even 8 and i have no idea what to do. movie, maybe? blehhh i wish i was out still. i am going to try and relax but roommate may end up driving me out. omnomnom im eating protein bar. okay dear reader i will try to make this my last post of the night. goodbye for meow :)

haiii no good morning post todayyy i slept innn i shouldnt have really but bleh i just want to start the weekend as soon as i can. i have one more class today (philosophy) which i'm not looking forward to because it always just seems so convoluted... i think if i committed myself to it, i could understand, but it's just a fundamentally different discipline which i don't enjoy thinking within. the person we're talking about, to me, seems totally compatible with modes of thought that AREN'T exclusively analytic but everyone in this class ONLY speaks in exclusively analytic terms which is just like... okey.

anyways. i had my horrible awful no good health class. there's some like scavenger hunt i have to do before tuesday next week? i think it's very silly but i won't complain. someone in class told me that since the class is pass fail i just have to do the *majority* of it and i will probably be fine. probably. this is the same woo-woo teacher so maybe if i tell her i'm doing therapy i'll get a bonus point... or ten or twenty or one hundred.

this is a short one because i feel a little ill and just want to relax before class. talking more with someone i like a lot today which is nice!!! they've barked at me like three times (to be fair i kinda, like... made it happen??). the world is conspiring against me to make me a barker . i will not bend . . . someone else said i have to wear a maid dress (UNPROMPTED...) which is like. . . i think i can consider myself a victim . of what i don't know. manipulation when i am in my lowest of points?? it will probably work on me. i'm afraid. okay i should shut up meow and relax i think i am just going to lay down. ugh class is in like half an hour. goodbye for meow dear reader :D

hellooo dear reader. look at the time my goodness i should be asleep. i should have worked this afternoon but blehhh... i both don't want to be hard on myself but i also should be a little harder on myself!! like yeahhh i didn't go out and do anything too emo to myself tonight but i also did not do any of the work i need to do well in classes and stuff. so... i guess we'll just have to figure it out.

soon i will need to sleep but the horrible light in my room is still on and someone on the floor above me is having what sounds like really bad sex. just too start-stop. either that or they're like slowly clanging two pieces of metal together (this gives you an idea of what it must consist of). [edit: after an investigation conducted by a two-person team, our dorm may have a heater louder than i can express. this also means it will probably never stop, so i might as well kill myself right now. dear reader, i know you'll think i'm a big idiot, but i promise, you cannot fathom how little this sounds like any worldly heater. i hate this so much. and dear reader i knowww you will go "ha! he even *said* it sounds like two pieces of metal clanging together! whattt a fool!!!!" if i could invite you into my dorm room to prove to you how fucked and made up this heater sounds, i would.] i don't really want to sleep . . . i don't know. i talked to my friend today i miss herrr i saw a jerma video and sent a message to her, going like Remember when we used to talk about jerma and play video games . . . i understand that isn't a very complex friendship but it's still fun.

bleh. i really need to lock it in. i have evil first year health class tomorrow and i may do something violent. i hate that class so much. do you think the annoying woo-woo teacher will give me an A if i say i have been "struggling with depression" or something? ok wait i should start doing this. acting like the child actors in the weird PSA videos i had to watch in middle school who were doing heroin or self harm or something? i'm going to study up and act like all of them and then everyone will like... give me slack for everything (because if anyone's got it easy it's heroin users and the depressed). i banged on a door so hard (not the sex door... different floor) that my hand really hurts now. somebody messaged me likeee wow an hour ago already and i have already sent them two messages. they are online, playing some dumb video game, and yet i still want to be a loser and bother them. it's league of legends??? i need to set better standards for who i communicate with qwq. i should watch another movie that will fix me. I DON'T CARE ABOUT SLEEPING. i get to sleep in anyways. my hand really hurts. owowow. meowmeowmeow.

okay well i know i said i'd be harder on myself buttt tonight is like acceptable because any other day i feel like i would be doing worse than i am currently buttt i'm nawttt doing anything bad which is good :) it is not quite good enough yet as i'm not doing everything i need to be doing but i am getting there! patting myself on the back which hurts rlly bad right now so i'm not actually moving. i literally don't care i'm messaging the league of legends person. i'm not. i think that will unironically make my mood worse sob emoji. okay i should wrap this up now. ough hfhffhfhfhfh i really do want to do the bad thing but i'm not letting myself because it's already late and i am being good. wehhghh if i can handle this horrible light being on i can handle anything. for now. goodbye for now dear reader i will try to sleep soon :)

hellooooo midday midstudy post. roommate is calling his dad and talking about turning the limiter off his bike. you already fell!!! i was joking about dying!!! i know i should do the studying and notetaking in the library but ough it's wasted time to walk over there (and wasted time to write this post :p). tbh i think this midterm will be easy. chinese makes absolutely no sense to me right now qwq i'll study and learn everything in a day totally. am i overusing qwq? i like it. i overused "sob emoji" beforehand so it's fine. anyways this is shorttt my roommate won't get off the phone so maybe i will actually go to the library. my class starts at 1:20, sooo... maybe i will get donuts or something. i should eat. anyways. goodbye for nowww :D ew my : key is nasty and won't go down all the way. i remember in middle school one of the chromebooks had like seven fingernail clippings under the spacebar. ok goodbye for meow :DDD

hellooo i was v busy todayy n i need to sleep soon :) i don't have muchhh to talk about because i really just worked or was in bed for the majority of the day and i didn't even do everything i needed to do qwq. at least i got the important thing done? it's not even that amazing but at least it's doneee... ugh. i had to record myself which i do not enjoy doing but still i did it and everything so yay. if this post is ALSO short i'm like!!! barely saying anything today!!! maybe thats ok. i am sleepy i will try to get a lot of rest. but i also need to wake up somewhattt early so i can study before class tomorrow to make up for all the studying i *haven't* been doing. ough okay i really am tired. still sorta in a weird mood but i am hoping classes and things will like. force me to be normal again. not to be #Srs but there's a new shirt i got which i like but i don't want to wear out because it has short sleeves and i'm like... aw man :( that does make me sad a little. but i am okay meow :) okayokayokay goodnight for now dear reader

hello!!! i have to give props to my roommate for unironically listening to "baby" by justin bieber. i don't think it's that much worse than any other pop song. why'd everyone hate on bieber so much? (because pre-teen girls liked him.) anyways this is probably my goodnight post even though i am not tired BLEHHH be tired please. i need to LOCK IN TMRWWWWW i realyl really do. noooo excuses i must do it. anyways i did nothing today either. hooray? slightly more bummed about it than i was the other day sob emoji. i didn't even go outside which is not good. tomorrow i will really make an effort to do it especially because i want to do that presentation outdoors. i recorded a 1 minute segment of it just as a test. it's hard for me to read off a script bc #SpeechImpediment but it went okay. i will probably write a script for everything, memorize it as best i can, then just adlib because i don't really wanttt to read off a script even if i didn't have any trouble doing it. i already recorded all the quotes i'm planning on using in my own voice. my plan is: finish script, go out and record myself talking, come back and install the video editor i used over the summer to make edits of like movies and stuff (https://youtu.be/kjdT1_ifqp4?si=i5BrSa7br0bQh6m0, https://youtu.be/eCJQWOYsxAg?si=2NO_4WU1CK6xGtJD) and use that to cut out dead air, add images, add me reading quotes, and that's pretty much it? i can either turn it in tomorrow or turn it in the day after. part of the reason i have been putting this off so much besides my tendency towards procrastination is that after recording everything, like... you can't really edit what you say in it compared to a slideshow or paper or something. i looked over my notes and i was pretty braindead today but i think i have everything under control. i just have to organize it all. i am going to axe Fichte but probably keep in a little Freud? i didn't write much for Freud so i will need to add stuff to my notes just clarifying my thoughts on paper so i can elucidate on them when i actually record myself. definitely keeping Reich because he is a short, offhanded addition, and i really like him. Butler may stay but i don't know yet. i am still optimistic even though i'm really giving myself a needlessly small amount of time to do all this. i also have stuff for Chinese i should do, but... who gaf... i will eventually care about all my classes again soon but i am just getting off the back of wanting to die so i think i have earned not giving a shit slightly!!!!! i do give a shit. anyways. idk what to do now... i didn't really eat today unfortunately. i will really try to do it tomorrow. i think all the food supply people have had more time off, so good for them. if it was up to me they'd be CHAINED to the kitchen (i would not do that). okay. i think i am done with this one probably idk??? bleh. i willlll.... maybe i will look at my notes... ehehehe ofc i won't. OMG i can get mail tomorrow hooray. i will definitely go out then. ok goodbye & goodnight for now :)

helloooo good morninggg i have been up for a little bit but i have been too tired to write anything. i got up and brushed my teeth and my roommate is going out to the city again which means i will have the place to myself for a while hooray! i will do nothing with this and instead do everything i normally do but quieter. ough my " stummy" hurts randomly. anyways i slept so soundly!! probably not enough. but after like having such a warm shower i just passed out so quickly my hair didn't have time to dry and now it's like... very weird and gay looking. anyways. yesterday was so weird i remember like when i got into the creepy dark empty building i went into one of the rooms and turned the lights on and there was a random YA book there. so i locked the door and finished the YA book and i think there was like an analogy about mother/daughterhood in there but i am not a mother nor daughter so it probably went over my head. it felt like it was meant to be there though. i couldn't have been on my phone because it would have died. so i just sat there and read this YA book in one sitting. also when i was walking back to my dorm a bunny ran in front of me :) well, walking back to my dorm the first time. is it obvious what i did yesterday? walked to theater > walked to dorm > turned around in front of dorm and walked to creepy dark empty building > walked back to dorm > end. i am glad i didn't sleep in the theater because i needed like ... "self care". also the yogurt is key lime pie which i got at someone else's suggestion and it actually wasn't bad. i am kinda just saying this to see how it sounds, i don't know if i believe it: i think half the time calling something "too sweet" is a made up complaint. i'm not sure if i agree with that sentiment or not yet but there may be a kernel of truth in there. because at first i had a spoonful of yogurt and thought it was too sweet... but i literally don't care. i like sweet things. it was yummy. idk! i don't like very sweet things but maybe i am just making made up complaints. the protein bar things are peanut butter and dark chocolate which makes me feel 100% like a dead dog. they're actually kinda yum though. i only bought a box of 10 because they, like, have a cost to them, but i might actually finish them somewhat quickly. oughhh i want my mail. goldfish... i also had chips and salsa yesterday. good!!! hard to really eat without all the comforts of home (i miss having little ramekins). also there is no dish soap in the kitchen, making washing things very annoying, and if i end up buying it i'm not leaving it down there. it's going to be myyy personal dish soap. i feel like an evil person for that a little. but i'm still doing it. i didn't really have a meal yesterday, just little snacks, but it's better than nothing i think :) i ate when i was hungry and that's good. i'm still very tired. i really do need to work today. i should start that after i finish this but i don't want to. maybe i will work on the script/notes for my presentation and figure out how i'll record it. it is hard to think about presenting it & recording it because i want to kill myself (hashtag joke) and i do not want to go outside today or speak at all so that throws a wrench in that whole thing. anyways i should wrap this uppp probably. ummm bweh why do i forget how to finish these? i feel like i've been reset. putting "depressed" as my mood on here feels analogous to making black and white self harm pictures the cover of a spotify playlist (i knew someone that did this!). okay. maybe i will have a little treat and lay down and figure out what to do for now. thank u for reading chat sorry i mean dear reader goodbye for now :)

hello chat thi# is my finalllll post of the night bc my phone is getting low now. im quite cold so this may be shorter because it is hard to type 😭 the walk back from the theater was much less fun. i felt disheveled and shaky and i smelled bad and was cold. 3/4 of the way back to the dorm i decided even though i didn't really want to stay in the theater i preferred it to my dorm, but i thought it was probably locked by now. i knew everyone had left because their umbrellas were gone. while i was walkign back to my dorm i kinda decided i did not want to deal with like interacting 😭 i could see from outside that the light in my room was on and i just cabt even will myself to walk in and flick the lightswitch down so i just decided to go to that lil abandoned building (its not like... gross inside) i know about that is always opena nd i am here now. i dont know if i will fall asleep here... idk where i would... i may just wait for a v late hour and then go back because i need to showrr and clean myself up and everything. i dont think this is like the best idea but i would rather just not be in my dorm right now and idk what else to do :p i kinda justtt found a place to sit but maybe i will find somewhere comfy. the rain makes weird noises and its a little scary but i am being brave abt it :) i shouldn't let my phone get much lower but i don't know what to do for the next few hours. i will try and find a charger but i don't think that'll happen. i was having so much fun watching conan obrien int he theater i didnt preserve my battery 😭 ok enough sobbing emojis. this is hopefully goodnight but if i go back to my dorm maybe i will write more. goodbye n goodnight for now :)

hello chat meow meow meow. i am typing this on my phone because i am away from my laptop. it is raining very hard but i decided to go for a walk anyways and i am now in the theater. there are people in here which is a little scary because i don't know where they are. i like the theater honestly!! one of my friends made a joke that you could probably sleep here. i kinda somewhat wanna try that. maybe tonight will be the night! anyways, the rain. i didn't think this jacket was waterproof and i still don't really but it kept me v dry. i am v glad i went out for a walk in the rain today i always enjoy it. i just hope i don't get too emo in here 😭 i will probably add the me being emo tag anyways because i ammmm a little emo tonight i just shouldn't harp on it. ooo the rain is spooky i keep thinking it's, like, people. i am just sitting in the lounge of the theater because i don't want to walk around while typing on here. so if anyone like saw me it wouldn't rlly matter. i don't think it matters that i am in here. it's unlocked. there is really no reason for me to be afraid of being in here 😭 but i am. ummm what else. i don't have v much to say because i am probably just going to sit/lay around in the very back of the theater. i really do want to stay here for a while but i don't know if my phone has the battery for it. all this means is i can't be on my phone the whole time, i guess. even though it's so fun... bleh. ok. i am going to walk over to the actual like theater room thingy now. ta ra :) omg cop car. theyre going to arrest me. remember me everybody. goodbye for meow :)