il faut porter en soi un chaos pour pouvoir mettre au monde une étoile dansante

back from town. i actually went out hooray! it was rainy and sort of dismal but i'm still glad i went out. i like walking around in the rain! i took the bus so i didn't really exert myself much but it's okay. i got some food and little nutrition bar things and an entire tiramisu cake which i intend on eating by myself over a period of multiple weeks. i just got like... the bars, cake, a monster (which i havent had in forever), umm chips + lame jarred salsa, yogurt, andddd donuts which i ate. i like donuts i dont care if theyre bad for me. my roommate was also in town and we ran into each other at the store. but he biked in + out because he is a little loser. why do i have so much animosity??? i'm glad i went out though. i don't really know whatttt to do now... i really should be productive but it's hard. especially when my roommate doesn't understand the concept of a shared room so he is audibly singing with earbuds in. so i guess my two options are listen to his shit music or listen to him repeat his shit music. fun! i'm just listening to LCD soundsystem (who i love) very loudly. [edit: i just realized. is "internet seekers" in Losing My Edge (amazing song) a reference to soulseek like 2 years after it was created? of course James Murphy knows ball... so i wouldn't be surprised!] if i wasn't a pushover i would use my speaker more to " mog " him as the kids say. i don't care what anybody says LCD soundsystem are so fun. i haven't seriously listened to them in like years so this is a good lil travel back in time. ok he really has to quiet down. sorry for being an asshole roommate butttt cmon let's respect each other a lil bit here. next time he leaves for like 1 minute i am putting something annoyingly atonal on the speaker until he quiets down. does this count as pavloving him? i forget psychology. negative reinforcement? ok i looked it up i think it is negative reinforcement. thank you intro to psych class. you know i actually enjoyed that class because it was all like biology and neuropsychology and operant conditioning and things like that which are more like... factual observations about the body/brain. at least i think operant conditioning is. i think it is! it works on like every animal, so... must be pretty factual. only at the end did we talk very briefly about made up sounding stuff about disorders and personality types and the like. so it was actually kinda enjoyable! also the professor was really great. anyways i am in a bit of a better mood despite the fact i should be thinking about work. at least i have tomorrow off. okay i am going to... idk what. listen to more LCD soundsystem and think about having some mid chips and salsa. OH also there's this brand of salsa that everyone likes that i think is okay (i forget what it's called) that i only discovered *after* moving to a what seemed to be a white ethnostate in western mass (it was such a downgrade of a move. i <3 holyoke massachusetts). due to it being all white people they only had "medium" at the supermarket which is like... okay. but here i found the hot kind! it was out of stock but next time i go i will try it if it's there. this is so banal i hope that's okay. isn't that what this is for? i need to start having more revelations. i would love to be spoken to by like some sort of sexy ethereal deity thing but i think that'd make me a hugeee asshole hippie. anyways. goodbye for now :D

helloooo i am very sleepy so this is probably the last post of the night. i did end up eating hooray :) went to the convenience store and spent like 9 dollars which is like.......... acceptable. plus it felt nutritious and everything. i gottt... aforementiones strawberry banana yogurt protein drink thing, one of these weird like half meat stick half cheese stick things? they're edible and nearly yummy and pretty, like, hearty. and i also got a little packet of chips and hummus which makes me want to eat more chips and hummus... or chips and salsa... i miss chips and dip but i never have the chance to buy it now </3 ummmm there was more stuff i wanted to say but i forgot :D i have some work to do which i should reallyyy get on... idk. it's a little annoying to do just because i will need to record myself somehow. i could be boring and just record my screen with some slides and a voice but it would be fun to record myself, like, visually somewhere, and then add images and stuff later. but i don't know how to do that logistically because i don't have, like, a microphone. or a phone stand or anything. but i believe i could learn to edit in like a day because i am a #boss. ok i really am tired... bleh. still feeling not amazing but at least i am better than i was earlier !!! :D i never watched a movie or show or anything but thats ok. i kinda did nothing today... but thats ok :) i walked a lot yesterday so i can forgive myself. omg i bought like two things of goldfish for myself. like, the crackers. i will have like 54 ounces of them sob emoji!!! that is a lot of goldfish. unfortunately i can only pick them up (and a mystery package whose contents i forget) on tuesday. let me pick up my mail... at least cram it in my mailbox. i am unironically a little excited for the goldfish. i know they have no nutritional value... but it's a yummy snack :3 i made a minecraft server with friends (don't judge me...) last week and we haven't been on it since. i wanna get back on it!!! it is fun i will be honest. plus i want to watch a movie with them because that would also be fun and i've been making a list of weird ones we could do. trying out a new german band... i don't want to appreciate germany for anything. but they have the best 90s hardcore stuff i've heard sooooo... idk. ok goodbye for now!!! goodnight eventually!!!

okay, i think what i'm doing is microblogging. i've figured it out. also this is a COMPLAINING post... back from lunch and it was awful. had two cookies and walked back. convinced myself i would eat dinner later... only other place to eat food around dinner that will sustain me is closed. so i am probably not going to eat any more today, unless i spend money at the convenience store which i shouldn't be doing. really sad about that :( i wanted to do the good thing but i couldn't and i'm v bummed. bleh. i was v proud of myself for going out too! i don't want this to be an emo blog!!! but i feel so emo . . . i hope i feel better later. i was thinking about " self harming " (odious phrase) later today because it has been a few days since i have last done it and i'm kinda like. idk. not happy with how it went last time. but we'll see! i feel so tired and lazy i might not even make the walk out to the place where i did it last. maybe i will just try to fall back asleep??? idkidkidk. this is so uncool :( i even wore a fun outfit :((( I NEED TO NOT BE EMO. but it is going to happen. i'll try to figure out something fun to do to distract myself. goodbye for now :)

good morninggg i woke up earlier but this is my good morning. roommate turning on the lights in this room for no reason. awful awful awful awful. i need a womb to be in somewhere. anyways i am hungry (thank you yesterday me) but i do not want to get up sooo... we'll see. anyways im so bored maybe i will try to watch the gay nerd show everyone wants me to watch. bleh i feel so dead. i don't even want to think about doing work but i know i have tasks to complete. i don't even know what to listen to! listening to this German band Loxiran and they're okay. i do feel weird enjoying metalcore... i can never admit that i like it because everyone will think i like the shit 2000s-today American variants. i don't know why only the 90s German variant appeals to me. actually there are some good Canadian ones from the 90s. and probably America too but less so. anyways. it's embarrassing. ough this can't be a complaining message but i really am hungry and tired and do not want these lights on... it's so bright out too, weh. plus the people i would normally pass time talking to have like jobs and things. lame!!! it's the weekend. i turned off Loxiran because i'm not in the mood but i also don't know what to listen to. maybe Noahlewis again? i am putting them on. ugh i don't know what to write. this message feels like a cat falling down a flight of stairs. i see now why diary entries are saved for the end of the day. i would write more but it would consist of me being depressed and complaining and probably becoming increasingly sexually frustrated. prion disease... i am comfortable dying in a horrible accident or medical mystery.

whenever i get on any social media or analogous medium, i way overdo it at the start. two posts in a day?? how sordid!!! i feel like i am obligated to be chatty, though. i'm making the decision not to give myself any interests (currently) because i am afraid of looking lame and that's pretty much it. also i am afraid of people, like, searching for those interests and believing me to be... i dunno. anyways! harping over. something interesting. talking about music feels very blasé, but it's not like i'm a wellspring of insight or anything... i'm also not intimate with this website enough yet to bring up subjects scandalous, ignoble, or iniquitous. sorry, but i'm not maldoror! the dust mites living on the data center hard drive (i don't know what servers, technologically, consist of. it's all computer stuff) will have to wait for anything interesting to come up. okay, one tidbit---i sorta miss being on those parts of the internet where people would, unprompted, talk about having sex with you. it was a little bit of an ego boost! even the bad ones <3 no, put the heart away, i would honestly kill those people. anyways i went into the city today and had my lunch paid for and it wasn't amazing but it was okay. i had a milkshake and it tasted like bananas which i love. i am glad i ate actualll food! i probably could have eaten more today (same as the past few days) but the meal was especially gross and greasy and American so i guess i don't feel as bad as i would on another day. i should watch a movie tonight, but i don't know what. i want to watch something simple and happy and nice! but all the movies i have been writing down to try to see have been awfully artsy, and i think i'm allowed to be sick of that sort of thing. my mood is okay. i think it's been swinging a bit but it's stable enough for me to feel, like, fine and everything. it is not perfect, but i can still work with that :)